Although I have been quite silent lately about my feelings, my heart is screaming inside.
I do not know why I have not verbalized any of my thoughts and feelings the past few months, but it's time to write them down. It's been well over a year now since sweet Eden returned home and yet it seems like only last week. I replay in my mind constantly what I was doing last year at this time, where I was emotionally, physically and spiritually and so often I don't know how I made it through the days. It was a deep fog, a very black fog, at times (most times) almost unnavigable. Sure I woke up every morning and went about my daily routine, but I was not there. I had checked out. I was a robot. I can act though, and as we all do at times, I put on my "good face" so people could not, would not see the pain and suffering inside. Only those closest to me really noticed how not strong I really was. My sweet, wonderful mother, how she endured hours of anger, frustration, tears and silence on the phone. But she was ALWAYS there to listen and love. Now I know why I was given such an amazing woman as my mother.
If only Eden was our only trial to endure, would it have been easier? As life goes though, challenges do not only come one at a time so we added more stress and worry to our plate over matters completely different from losing a child. Time passes and somehow I have made it to today, how thankful I am for today. Memories of Eden come fewer and farther between for me now as I have another life to concern myself with. However, as I think of her less it makes me feel guilty, guilty that I am not thinking of her all the time, guilty that she is not the principal topic of all conversations now, guilty that I do not even mention her name to strangers anymore. Am I the only one? I make a conscious effort each day to not wonder "what if" things had been different, "what if " she were still alive and healthy. I try not to calculate in my head how old she would be or what she might be doing at this age. It is hard though and my success rate is mediocre at best. Because I am surrounded by families with babies her age, it is like a constant reminder. That will never change though, I have to accept our path and not fret over another's. I do miss Eden, I miss her every day and the hole in my heart is still there. I don't think it will ever go away, I am just learning to bandage it and continue forward. Life is about moving forward, getting up when you fall. I am so thankful that I have a wonderful husband who is my best friend because when my life was falling apart, WE were stronger than ever. I have an angel and I love her with all my heart. She has made me a better person, she has made our family better. I smile when I see her photo!
It's hard to believe that our little boy will be here in 2 short months. What emotions that stirs inside of me. Marcus and I both knew at the beginning of this year that we had to have another child. How scared I was to embark on this journey again, but the faith of so many family and friends filled in where my faith lacked. Crazy as it sounds, I actually felt a little guilty asking the Lord to bless us with a "healthy" baby. Most mother's ask, or even assume that, without another thought, but not me. Was I greedy to want him healthy? Was it a lack of trust? I know the answer is "no" to all of these, but experiences change your perspective. We have been blessed. He is healthy, strong and growing perfectly!! I still have my "sceptic" moments when I wonder what will go wrong before it's all over. I am slowly getting used to the notion that this time, everything about the pregnancy and delivery will be perfect. That's what I want. I want to hold my baby right after birth. I want him to sleep with me in my hospital room. I want to change his diaper. I want Marcus to sit with me as we love on him together. This is our fourth child and we have never had those moments.
He will not, could not replace Eden. This was not our purpose in having him. I am sure he is enjoying some special sibling time with her right now and I hope she is preparing him for our crazy family. More than anything as the days close in on my delivery, I hope and pray that Eden is there that day. I want to feel her close to me as her brother enters this world. She will never be in our family photos and I hate that, but as long as she is close in spirit so I can feel her. I still have nothing for "baby brother" because it's been hard to let my guard down and start shopping. The "what if" factor in my mind has been hard to overcome. I have been browsing through the aisles though and that's a start. I really am so excited to have another baby in our home. Each movement, each kick that he makes, and there are tons, brings a smile to my face. Sweet reminders that life is good, I am blessed and I am moving forward.
