"We Remember Them"

HAPPY 8TH MONTHS to my little angel Eden.  

It's so hard to believe that Eden was born 8 months ago today.  A day filled with such happiness and sadness all in one for me.  We are quickly approaching the day (November 5th) when Eden will be in heaven longer than she was with us on earth.  To be honest, I am a little scared for that day to come and go.  I will celebrate my 34th birthday this week and what a year it has been for me.  A year full of so much sorrow, fear, pain and grief, yet a year when our miracle was born who will help to save our family.  As I think back over my 33rd year, I can't say it was my best, but I can say it was full of great blessings and numerous examples of the Lord's love for me and my family.  Here's hoping for a less eventful 34th year.  Heck, I am getting way too old for all this excitement!

Last Friday evening Phoenix Children's Hospital hosted their annual "We Remember Them" memorial service for all of the children that have passed away there.  Of course we were happy to attend and honor Eden.  Both sets of grandparents and my newlywed sister and her husband accompanied us as well.  I thought it was a very nice tribute to our children through song and words.  They also had a slideshow presentation of many of the children and of course that was so emotional for me when Eden's photo flashed on the screen.  I miss her so much and my heart ache for her.  We took the girls with us and I do not think we will do that again until they are older.  Both kept asking when we would see Eden and get to bring her home.  They did however have the opportunity to decorate a paper balloon for Eden and at the end of the program all of the siblings in the audience brought their balloons to the front where they will be put in a time capsule.  Yet another emotional moment to see all of the children who have lost a brother or sister.

It's amazing how life moves on and there are days when I think "did this even happen?"  It's almost like a dream at times.  I wish I could tell everyone I meet about Eden and that there really is another member to our family.  The reality though is that most people will never know our story and over time I will be okay with that.  I have learned that you never know what someone is going through just by looking at them.  When I am asked "how are you?", no matter who asks me, my usual response is "fine, good, or okay."  Strangers might even think, "wow, that lady doesn't have any problems."  The truth is, we never know!  I give generic answers in leu of telling them how I really feel.  Life goes on and I do my day to day routine, but my heartache never goes away.  I think part of moving on is learning how to live with the heartache because I am not sure it ever fully goes away.  The hole in my heart that I felt when Eden died is like a scar.  The pain gets less and less over time until it's almost unnoticeable.  However, the scar is present none the less and will never fade to nothing.

A few parents were asked to give remarks at the memorial and one mother who lost her son at 2 days old said it so well and I quote:

I wish to touch you but I cannot

I wish to look at you but I cannot

I wish to kiss you but I cannot

Now my great yearning for you is that you will be a good angel who cares for us and remembers us.  Four months was so little time to enjoy you, but you gave so much happiness to my soul.  There is no greater pride for our family than having had you.  I will never be able to repay you for having come into my life."

I love you Eden and wish you all the happiness you deserve cradled in our Heavenly Father's arms.

Stinky Face!

Kids say the darndest things.  Need I say more?!?

I have to share a hilarious story which is my life on a daily basis.  My wonderful mother took the girls yesterday to the mall to see the doggies, play and get a treat (Grammy is so fabulous!)  They had to walk through Dillard's on their way out of the mall and that meant passing by all of the make-up counters.  One of the make-up ladies began talking to Emerson about her new stuffed animal (courtesy of Grammy) and she finally said "Happy Halloween!"  Emerson, who is not shy in the least turned right around and replied, "Happy Halloween Stinky Face!"  Needless to say, they lady was a bit shocked and bewildered and all my mom could do was laugh.  Once Grammy gained her composure she explained to the woman that the girls have a book titled "Happy Halloween Stinky Face" and that must explain Emerson's comment.  The mood instantly changed and the make-up lady was laughing uncontrollably and the other workers were laughing as well.

The moral of the story I guess is that you should not buy your children books with unsavory titles!  I LOVE my girls and the things they say.

Death March

As some of you might remember, Marcus and I went to Grand Canyon at the beginning of May to do some hiking.  Marcus completed the "Death March," which is 50 miles from the south rim to the north rim and back to the south in one day.  I did a shorter hike on that trip.

Well, we were back at the Canyon last weekend, but this time I did the 50 mile Death March with Marcus and seven other of our crazy friends.  This makes three times for me and six for Marcus and I think I have officially retired.  I LOVE to hike, but 50 miles through the Grand Canyon in one day is too much anymore.  Either I am getting older or wiser in my thinking!  As you can see from the photos though, the Canyon really is an AMAZING place and it humbles me every time I am there.  How lucky are we to have one of the seven wonders of the world in our own backyard!!!!!

I am not going to lie, it was hard and my knees and feet are aching because of it with a couple of blisters to boot.  However, my real motivation this trip was that I wanted to do it for Eden.  I hope that she was along in spirit to experience Grand Canyon and every time it got hard and too overwhelming for me to handle I would think of her and the hard things that she fought through.  She never complained so I tried hard not to do so as well.  Yet again, Eden taught me something that can make me a better person.  Marcus as I love doing physical, adventurous things together and this was no different.  I really am blessed with a good man who is so patient and kind to me, even when I am at my worst.  Enjoy the pictures!

The splendor of the Canyon.  This is from the south side looking through to the north.

We saw quite a bit of wildlife on the trail.  What a place to call home!

The sign warns you not to go to the river and back in one day (15 miles round trip).  Obviously, we are not good listeners.

Me and Marcus resting for a moment on the north rim.  We changed into a fresh pair of socks before heading back.  IF you look close, I am holding "piggy," which was Eden's favorite buddy in the hospital.  Marcus carried it in his pack.

Me and Marcus on the bridge over the Colorado River ready for our final 9.5 mile hike out the south side.

Now that is a trail.  The call this section of the Canyon "Devils Corkscrew."

Look very close on the right side of the photo and that white dot is me hiking up.  You go girl!!

God's creations are so beautiful!

TIME WARP

DAD HERE - 

I was going thru a box in the attic, I'm the only one in the house who really does any "deep cleaning" - despite what most people think, and I ran across this funnier than heck High School picture of my wife.  This must be around 1968 - or sometime...  NICE HAIR DO!!!!

 Digging a little deeper in the mess from wife's past, I found Keisa's College Graduation picture in 1984.  I know exactly what you're thinking, It certainly took Keisa a loooooong time between High School and College to graduate.  Pshhh, 16 years to go to school... yea, I know they're called doctors!  

Oh, so you think I'm not telling the truth, do you?  I know there are some skeptics out there... but Keisa really is older than me!

All the Family Together

Last Sunday marked three months since Eden passed away so we spent some time at the cemetery with her.  Of course, the girls had to tell her about Disneyland and the toys they picked out.  We also had to give her her gift.

Ainsley and Emerson both spent a few moments explaining their toys to Eden.

All of my girls with Eden's Disney Princess ears.

Daddy and his girls.  I think he is the proudest daddy around.

Our family enjoying a beautiful afternoon with Eden.

Eden truly was a princess!

Hard to believe that it's been three months and soon the day will pass when she has been gone longer then she was alive.  I miss her so much sometimes that I physically ache for her.  However, I know she is happy and healthy now and does not have any more pain.  This is not a road I ever thought I would travel and it is by far the hardest challenge I have ever faced.  I am thankful though for a loving husband and friend who puts my needs in front of his own, for two  beautiful girls who bring me endless happiness and for friends who listen and support me as I move (sometimes with grace and sometimes as a complete wreck) through this journey.

We're Back!!!!!

We are back from Disneyland and once again, we had a fabulous time.  It was hotter (95+) each day than we would have hoped for, but great none the less.  There is a new Toy Story ride that is absolutely so fun and the park looks so cute decorated for Halloween.  I thought I would explain our trip through pictures, but all in all we rode way too many rides and ate far too much junk food and we loved it!

We arrived on Sunday evening and walked right over to Disneyland for a little fun before bed.  Once again we took our MOST FABULOUS babysitter Addi.  Thank you Addi for all of your help and for riding the "fun" rides with me.  Marcus has a weak stomach and can't tolerate any of the good rides so Addi and I just go until we drop!

Me and my Emerson waiting in line for none other than Dumbo.  I have to admit, for a kiddie ride it is really fun.

"Will we ever get on the ride?"  Ainsley in line for Dumbo.

Emerson wanted to pick the yellow Dumbo to match my shirt.  I think she is going to be our fashion conscious girl.

All smiles.  Of course we have a rule that there is no crying at Disneyland.

Notice Emmy's Tinkerbell pin.  A park employee overheard us trying to coax her into riding Matterhorn and she said she would give her that "bravery pin" if she would ride.  No doubt she agreed to that deal!

Mommy and Emerson about to go on the Matterhorn.

The Matterhorn is Ainsley's favorite ride.

By the look on her face, it's hard to believe she LOVES this ride.

You be the judge - do you think she liked it?  Poor girl, we really weren't trying to torture her.

They get a tiny souvenir on each trip and this is Emerson's - baby pluto that she named Eden.

On Tuesday we had a wonderful opportunity to meet up with another "heart mommy" and her girls who live in the area.  Carlie is on the far left and she is Emmy's age.  She has undergone 3 open heart surgeries to repair her heart.  All four girls had a super fun time.

Growing up and getting more beautiful every day.

Are these the cutest girls or what?!?  They love their Addi.

"Is the parade ever going to start?"

Tired and weary parade goers on the final night of a LONG, HOT four days.

I love my family.  Ainsley commented every day that next time we have to bring Eden.  She picked out a princess mouse ears hat for Eden and we had her name engraved.  She wants to take it to her grave to show her.  She misses her so much.

"I think I see a princess!"

Poor Emerson, willing herself to stay awake!

Ridgway family.  Ains says if you look close enough you can see Eden's angel in the picture with our family.

As you can see we had a great trip.  However, it is really hard to come home sometimes because Marcus and I seem to be more sad than before we left.  I think it just reaffirms that Eden will never come to Disneyland with us and that makes us miss her so much.  We are so blessed and I know that Eden was sent to our family to teach us and bless us.  I will forever be grateful that I am her mommy and I am proud to say when people ask that I have "three beautiful daughters!"