I'm Not Ready!

As many of you know, the entire month of February has been one full of emotion for me and Marcus.  However, I am NOT READY for Friday to come.  It's just two days away and with each passing day I find myself more emotional, more nostalgic, and more heartbroken.  I miss my Eden so very much, but more than anything I think I miss the "what could have been".  Lets' be honest, I did not have more than 30 hours tops of the mommy bonding time with Eden.  It is not that easy to feel connected to your newborn when they are virtually strapped to their hospital bed with tubes and wires hanging out everywhere and a scar 6 inches long down their chest.  I try to remember the blessings, like the few times that I could nurse her before she was admitted or the 5 times I was able to change her diaper and see her little bottom or the "moment" we shared just two short days before she passed.  However, during a week like this none of those things hold a candle to the fact that she is gone and I still struggle with understanding why!  Last year at this time I was full of so many emotions, fear, anxiety, excitement, nervousness, relief because we knew that she would come to us with complications.  But, never in all of my heart and mind did I think I would be grieving her loss right now.  No doctor ever told us that there was even a slight chance that she would die.  None of that matters now though because she is gone and I have to learn how to cope, how to move forward and how to be strong.  Yes I really, truly believe that I will see her again and I will have the opportunity to raise her in heaven, but that is a VERY LONG time away and I am not that patient.  My hope is that I can be the kind of mommy that will make Eden proud.  I have much work to do to be worthy of her special spirit, but I am so very thankful that I am her mother.  It was not long enough for me here on earth, but I feel her close to me from time to time and oh how I cherish those moments.  I love Eden and I love my Ainsley and Emerson.  Being a mommy has not always been easy for me, but the best things in life are not easy.  Eden, I miss you, your daddy misses you and your sissies cry for you at night.  Please keep your spirit close to your family and know that we are trying to live worthy to be with you again.

Let's Celebrate!

Let's Celebrate Eden Grace Ridgway 

2/29/08

I is so hard to believe that it has been a year already, but how VERY THANKFUL I am for February 29th, 2008 for that is the day my sweetheart Eden came to our family.  I think this picture sums it up beautifully because I see complete peace on her face.  Almost like she new that she had completed her mission in obtaining a body her on earth.  What a PERFECT little sweetie.

We are planning a birthday celebration for Eden on Saturday the 28th and we would like everyone that can to attend.  You have all been such a big part of ours and Eden's life this year and we would enjoy celebrating with you.  Our plan is to meet at the Green Acres Cemetary (northeast corner of Hayden and McKellips - at the first T take a left and at the second T take a right) at 5:30 pm where we will let off TONS of white balloons in her honor.  She will be in charge of catching them in heaven!  Please bring a white balloon or two to let fly and any artificial flowers you would like to put in the ground.

We love and cherish our Eden so much and sometimes the pain of losing her is overwhelming.  We miss her terribly, but we know that we will see her again and that brings us comfort.  I hope she knows what an impact she made in our family and how truly grateful we are to call her ours.

Seven Days

A Conversation between Marcus and Emerson:

M:  Emerson do you know what would make daddy so happy?

E:  What dada? (That is what she always calls him)

M:  If you would go in the big girl potty from now on.

E:  HAHA dada!  I am not a big girl for going in the potty.  Just for other things!

M: When will you go in the potty like sissy and be a really big girl.

E: In seven days dada.  I will go on the big girl potty in seven days!

Little does she know that the countdown has begun and I will hold her to it!

Approaching Fast

Today I am angry, sad, heartbroken, bitter, alive.

I am having a very hard time knowing that Eden's first birthday will be here at the end of the month.  I didn't think the entire month of February would be so difficult and emotionally draining for me, but I was wrong.  I am so nostalgic lately thinking about these days one short year ago leading up to her birth.  I was so frightened, nervous, excited and prepared.  I just knew that Eden was going to be very special and that she was going to change our family, but I did not know, nor did anyone, that she would be called home so very early.  Today I feel cheated! Cheated out of raising our third daughter, cheated out of my girls having a baby at home to love, cuddle and kiss, cheated out of a mother's duties with her newborn.  Cheated out of being able to breast feed my baby, I LOVE breast feeding!   The ironic thing is that I have two beautiful, healthy, thriving daughters at home that make me so happy, but still I am incomplete and my arms are empty.  I often wonder if I can really miss her since I did not even know her that well, but I think a mother knows her baby very intimately long before they are born.  Although it does me no good at all and I know it, I still lay awake at night wondering what could/would/should have been.  What would she be doing right now?  Who would she look like?  Would she have blonde or red hair?  and freckles?  Then I think of doing this all over again, having another baby.  Am I really crazy?  Would the Lord truly let something this tragic happen again to me, to our family?  All questions I can not answer and I am one who does not like unanswered questions.  I am not in charge, I know.  The Lord loves me, I know.  He has a plan for Eden and our family, I know.  Right now though, this knowledge does not ease the pain, the grief or the hurt.  Grief is ugly, downright hideous and so are the feeling that accompany it.  Even in my darkest hour, I would do it all over again if it meant having Eden as my daughter, as a member of our family. 

The Dash

copyright 1996 Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning...to the end. He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth... and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth. For it matters not, how much we own; the cars....the house...the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard... are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real, and always try to understand the way other people feel. And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile... remembering that this special dash might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy is being read with your life's actions to rehash... would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash?

Eden is a very real dash in our family, no matter how small and short it was.  How thankful I am for that dash and what it means to me.  As her special day approaches, I will be sad, I will cry and I will mourn.  But, I will also rejoice in knowing that my Heavenly Father entrusted me with a special baby whose dash has changed me forever.