Approaching Fast

Today I am angry, sad, heartbroken, bitter, alive.

I am having a very hard time knowing that Eden's first birthday will be here at the end of the month.  I didn't think the entire month of February would be so difficult and emotionally draining for me, but I was wrong.  I am so nostalgic lately thinking about these days one short year ago leading up to her birth.  I was so frightened, nervous, excited and prepared.  I just knew that Eden was going to be very special and that she was going to change our family, but I did not know, nor did anyone, that she would be called home so very early.  Today I feel cheated! Cheated out of raising our third daughter, cheated out of my girls having a baby at home to love, cuddle and kiss, cheated out of a mother's duties with her newborn.  Cheated out of being able to breast feed my baby, I LOVE breast feeding!   The ironic thing is that I have two beautiful, healthy, thriving daughters at home that make me so happy, but still I am incomplete and my arms are empty.  I often wonder if I can really miss her since I did not even know her that well, but I think a mother knows her baby very intimately long before they are born.  Although it does me no good at all and I know it, I still lay awake at night wondering what could/would/should have been.  What would she be doing right now?  Who would she look like?  Would she have blonde or red hair?  and freckles?  Then I think of doing this all over again, having another baby.  Am I really crazy?  Would the Lord truly let something this tragic happen again to me, to our family?  All questions I can not answer and I am one who does not like unanswered questions.  I am not in charge, I know.  The Lord loves me, I know.  He has a plan for Eden and our family, I know.  Right now though, this knowledge does not ease the pain, the grief or the hurt.  Grief is ugly, downright hideous and so are the feeling that accompany it.  Even in my darkest hour, I would do it all over again if it meant having Eden as my daughter, as a member of our family. 

The Dash

copyright 1996 Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning...to the end. He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth... and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth. For it matters not, how much we own; the cars....the house...the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard... are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real, and always try to understand the way other people feel. And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile... remembering that this special dash might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy is being read with your life's actions to rehash... would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash?

Eden is a very real dash in our family, no matter how small and short it was.  How thankful I am for that dash and what it means to me.  As her special day approaches, I will be sad, I will cry and I will mourn.  But, I will also rejoice in knowing that my Heavenly Father entrusted me with a special baby whose dash has changed me forever.