I'm Not Ready!

As many of you know, the entire month of February has been one full of emotion for me and Marcus.  However, I am NOT READY for Friday to come.  It's just two days away and with each passing day I find myself more emotional, more nostalgic, and more heartbroken.  I miss my Eden so very much, but more than anything I think I miss the "what could have been".  Lets' be honest, I did not have more than 30 hours tops of the mommy bonding time with Eden.  It is not that easy to feel connected to your newborn when they are virtually strapped to their hospital bed with tubes and wires hanging out everywhere and a scar 6 inches long down their chest.  I try to remember the blessings, like the few times that I could nurse her before she was admitted or the 5 times I was able to change her diaper and see her little bottom or the "moment" we shared just two short days before she passed.  However, during a week like this none of those things hold a candle to the fact that she is gone and I still struggle with understanding why!  Last year at this time I was full of so many emotions, fear, anxiety, excitement, nervousness, relief because we knew that she would come to us with complications.  But, never in all of my heart and mind did I think I would be grieving her loss right now.  No doctor ever told us that there was even a slight chance that she would die.  None of that matters now though because she is gone and I have to learn how to cope, how to move forward and how to be strong.  Yes I really, truly believe that I will see her again and I will have the opportunity to raise her in heaven, but that is a VERY LONG time away and I am not that patient.  My hope is that I can be the kind of mommy that will make Eden proud.  I have much work to do to be worthy of her special spirit, but I am so very thankful that I am her mother.  It was not long enough for me here on earth, but I feel her close to me from time to time and oh how I cherish those moments.  I love Eden and I love my Ainsley and Emerson.  Being a mommy has not always been easy for me, but the best things in life are not easy.  Eden, I miss you, your daddy misses you and your sissies cry for you at night.  Please keep your spirit close to your family and know that we are trying to live worthy to be with you again.