ALREADY?!?!?

Is it really "that week" already?

I can not believe that this is the week of Eden's anniversary.  It has come so fast, but passed so slow at the same time.  It's hard for me to know what or how to think most of the time as we lead up to Sunday, the 5th.  However, I really want to make it a more happy day than a sad one and I want to focus on the wonderful memories of Eden that we all still talk about.  Of course I miss her terribly and I wish that it could have been different.  But, if I truly believe that the Lord has a plan for me and my family, than I have to be comforted in the fact that this was the Lord's will and it was the best thing for her and our family.  I might not know the full extent of His plan until much later in life, or not even until the next life, but I can not deny that He watches over our family.

You might remember me talking about the very last Tuesday I had with Eden, it was a marvelous day.  She was not progressing at all, in fact she was beginning to decline.  I had a very frank discussion with one of her doctors that day and it was not positive.  When she and I were finally alone, I stood over her bed and for the first time in weeks she was so very alert and focused.  She looked right at me and we "talked" for more than an hour.  I told her everything going on at home and how much her sisters loved her.  I told her that I was trying to be strong and make the right decisions for her.  Most of the time, I just told her that I was so proud of her and that I loved her so very much.  At that moment, I KNOW that she knew me and felt my love for her.  She drifted off after that and was never really conscious again.  I did not know it that day, but I would never see her little eyes open again.  I wish I would have stayed and talked longer, however I thank my Father in Heaven every day for giving me that special time with her.  I believe that both Eden and the Lord knew that the end was close and this was a "tender mercy" from him to comfort me.  A memory that I will always cherish.

The journey is a rough one, definitely a dirt road, and the road to peace and recovery is so long.  But it has been a good year and I am a better person because of Eden.  Our family is stronger and Marcus and I have a better relationship.  These are blessings that I am thankful to have.  I am grateful for all of you as well for sustaining me and lifting me through to darkest of days and for letting me grieve as I need.

I went back to my posts from this week last year and here is what I said last year on Tuesday:

"It always amazes me that although I am at my breaking point with inner turmoil, as soon as I enter her room I am filled with a very calm, peaceful, loving feeling. I pray daily that the Lord's sweetest angels are attending her right now and giving her the comfort that I can not always provide. Her doctor on Sunday said that she is truly a miracle to have made it this far and she is my hero."

I miss that feeling so much, but I still catch glimpses of it when I need it most.

For the Last Time

Let it be known that I am very nostalgic lately.

It was exactly one year ago today, June 17, 2008 that I held my Eden for the last time before her passing.  It was also the day last year that Dr. Pearl and his team did Eden's second open heart surgery.  For those of you who can recall, it was a VERY scary day for us and little Eden was in the OR for just shy of 12 hours.  I remember so well sitting in her room, waiting for updates and then updating each of you.  I will never forget the horrible news we received a few times that she was not doing well and might not make it out of surgery alive.  Oh how hard we prayed then that she would come back to us alive because I DID NOT want my baby to die surrounded by near strangers.  I remember praying at that moment that if the Lord wanted her to come home to please just let her live until she came back to us, her parents and family, so that we could shower her with love and affection in her last moments.  How thankful I am that He answered my prayers and even blessed us with 2 and 1/2 more weeks with her. 

As we get closer to her anniversary, her "angel" day it is on my mind constantly.  How will I feel?  What will I do that morning?  Will I feel her near that day?  I can not lie that I am scared for that day and I am nervous to face my fear.  One year without my baby.  So much has happened, yet I wonder where the time has gone.  Her bedroom is still untouched, just as it was when I arranged all of her things following the funeral.  I know it's time to pack it all away and prepare for our little boy, but it's hard, scary, all too final.

Today I thank all of you for continuing on this journey with me, with us.  I also give you all a very belated thank you for staying with us throughout her entire surgery last year.  As I went back to last year's posts and read the comments and looked at the time, I am humbled and grateful for your friendship, faith and prayers.  I know that they sustained us at the most dark of moments and they continue to bless us even today.

I love you Eden and I miss you - everything about you.  But, I know that you are in the Lord's hands and I know that you watch over us as only the best of angels can.  We are blessed because we have our own, personal angel.

JUNKIES!!!!

Marcus and I are officially addicts.  If you consider going to Grand Canyon twice in two weeks to hike (over 16 miles each time) an addiction, then we are junkies with no desire for an intervention!  We absolutely LOVE the Canyon and who can blame us for heading there as often as possible when it's less than four hours from our front door.  It has not been until adulthood that I have learned to appreciate living so close to one of the Seven Wonders on the World. Marcus took a couple of friends with us in late May to do the Death March again.  I have learned better and just hiked down to the Colorado River and back, about 17 miles.  Then, last weekend Marcus and I hiked again with my dad, my Uncle Bob and my brother-in-law Jake.  We all went down to the river and back again, but took a different trail down this time and it was extremely beautiful.  If I wasn't such a cit gal, I really think I could live at Grand Canyon and hike every day.  I just LOVE to hike.

  

This is a wild bunny that has made his home in our yard.  We see him every couple of days snacking on the grass.

Marcus, Jonathan and Chad beginning the Death March (that is rain and it's 3 am!)

The clouds were very low in the canyon and it rained almost all day.

My sweetheart who is like a mountain goat on the trail.

Chad and Marcus at the North Rim, half way.

We took Grammy and the girls up to Flagstaff with us and while we hiked, they enjoyed a day and the Deer Farm where there are live deer to feed and pet.

All the gang beginning the hike (from left: my dad, Jake, Marcus, me, uncle Bob)

What a backdrop and me in all my 5 month pregnant glory.  We start them hiking young!

Look at how breathtaking that is, just beautiful!

They did a great job and should be very proud of themselves.  Am I my dad's daughter or what?

Just beautiful and the weather was perfect.

Jake's very first time to Grand Canyon, what a way to experience the magic.

Little did uncle Bob know that  he would be harassed by a "wild" squirrel while eating lunch later.  There are signs posted saying "do not feed the WILD squirrels", but they are the most domesticated animals I have ever met and will crawl right on you.

Can you see the trail below us?

It was a wonderful couple of weekends and I soaked it all in as it might be the last big hiking I do for some time now.   I am still getting used to the thought of "thinking blue" and how we will do him room.  I really can't wait to do some shopping!

I Just Don't Get It!

I just do not understand the comments I get sometimes, to be very honest they are offensive to me.

I do not speak of people who are strangers to me/us and have no idea of our little family dynamics.  I believe that they speak completely out of innocence.  However, I will be forever perplexed at what people say to me who know full well our family situation.  I will state for everyone that I have given birth to THREE full-term, live, beautiful daughters.  The fact that Eden only lived on this earth for 4.5 months does not change the fact that I did have to be pregnant with her and deliver her, just like any other baby.  I felt her move and kick just like every other baby.  I get comments all the time to the effect of "How are you feeling the third time around?" or "Third times a charm I guess, because it's a boy." or "The third one was really tough for me I hope you are feeling okay." or "When did your other two come, early or late?"  Each time I am faced with a comment I ALWAYS clarify to them that I have three children and this is my fourth.  Most of them just look at me when I say that with a response of "Well, you know what I mean."  Actually, no I do not! I believe that one of the fears for a mother who has lost an infant/child is that they will be forgotten and comments of this nature almost make that fear seem like a reality.  I love my Eden and I miss her every day of my life and I will probably miss her forever.  I LOVE  the photo I have of my three daughters together and it literally breaks my heart that I will not have a picture with all four of my children when our little man is born.  However, I truly believe that if I had "angel" eyes I would see Eden in one of those photos.

Life really is a roller coaster ride and although it can be fast, furious and scary at times, I am so thankful for the journey and the family I have to share it with.

It's A .....

We are VERY HAPPY to report that our little bean is a HEALTHY BOY!!!!!!  The perinatologist, which is basically a high risk OB, gave us a major thumbs up and told us that everything looked fabulous.  He said that he was not even going to recommend to my regular OB that I visit a pediatric cardiologist for further heart testing, unless I wanted to for peace of mind.  Well, you know who I will calling tomorrow for an appointment for a fetal echocardiogram.  You can't be too cautious and I can use all the peace of mind that the professionals want to dish my way.  Marcus and I were so nervous when the ultrasound began and you could have literally cut the tension with a knife.  Although she knew our history very well, the tech did not say anything for almost 10 minutes and I thought I would die.  Marcus, who is the brave one for sure, finally blurted out, "Can you tell us something because if not I think I am going to vomit?!?"  She said that there was nothing to tell because everything looks fine.  What a blessing for us.  There were many tears shed, tears of joy, relief, gratitude and happiness.

Please know how thankful we are for all of you for continuing to follow our journey and especially for sending some extra prayers to heaven today on our behalf.  I can honestly say that I felt so much comfort entering the appointment and I know it was from all of your thoughts and prayers.  Thank you!!!!