Happy Birthday Eden Dear!

It's had to believe but my sweet Eden Grace would be turning two years old today. It's been a very emotional week for me to say the least and my heart aches to touch her just one more time today. I imagine that her birthday will always be a difficult day, one where my hearts hurts and the void feels a little bigger. We are having a small, family party for her tonight with a princess cake and balloons. A time to just remember her and the blessing she has been in so many lives.

This is one of my favorite pictures of her. As you can tell, it is moments after her birth and when I look at it I can not help but think I see a look of complete satisfaction on her face, almost a small smile.

My Dear Eden,

It is so hard for me to believe that you were born two years ago. I can remember the events of that day like it was last week. I was so nervous that morning for I feared not for you, but if I would be a good enough mother to care for you and your Down syndrome. Why that scared me so much I don't know, but the moment I saw you I was in love completely. You were so tiny, so delicate and so very peaceful. You did everything that a newborn should do and I am so blessed to have had three full days with you all to myself. I was able to hold and cuddle you, nurse you countless times and change your diaper. Little did I know then that I would never have that opportunity again. No one knew until later just how sick you really were and just how fragile your little heart was. I count those days as your blessing to me and I cherish them with a quiet reverence. I miss you so much sometimes Eden, but you are still such a big part of our family life and conversations. The girls talk about you all the time and still pick out beautiful, spinny dresses for you. I love to hear them telling friends and strangers alike about their sister who lives in heaven. You daddy and I are healing, but it is a long process. We are happy though and we are better people because of you. Eden, know that we love you so much and we thank you for your example of strength and courage. I hope you have a very happy birthday today and can dance and celebrate like every princess should.

Love, your mommy

Life With Emerson: You Better Keep Your Ears Open

As I have said before, Emerson is a feisty, sassy, sweet, opinionated redhead and she says some of the funniest things I've ever heard. I have three conversations in particular toady and I write them more for my sake, so I can remember them, but also for a little comic relief. Beware though, it is raw and out of the mouth of a 3.5 year old.

Thursday, February 18, 2010:

We had Finley fixed on Tuesday the 16th and this is the conversation that I overheard between Emerson and our babysitter, Lisa.

"Guess what Lisa, Finley went to the doggy doctor on Tuesday."

"Really, is he okay?"

"Yeah, he just had his balls cut off!"

At this point I chimed in and said,

"Emerson, where did you hear that?"

"Nowhere, mom. That's just what they looked like and now they're gone."

Well, how about that!

Friday, February 19, 2010:

When I picked her up from preschool on Friday we also brought her friend Lexi home with us to play. On the ride home this is what the two of them talked about.

"Lexi, guess how they had to get me out of my mommies tummy?"

"How?"

"They had to cut her tummy open and yank me ot because I was stuck!"

I then clarified that yes, they cut my tummy open, but they had to do that for all four of them, Ainsley, Emmy, Eden and Kanyon.

"Yeah Lexi, we have a sister Eden and she died."

"Oh, I know."

"She had a sick heart that did not pump blood right to her body."

"Oh!"

"But she's in heaven now and we will see her again when we die because we are an eternal family."

"That's neat Emerson."

"Sometimes we like to sit in our reverent room and look at pictures of Eden because if we are really quiet we can feel her spirit in there."

"Huh?!?" (I'm sure Lexi is a little confused at this point.)

I was feeling quite prideful right about now listening to her have such a sweet moment with her friend. But, just wait to see how she tops it.

"Yeah, and my mommy has big, fat boobies!"

"Emerson," I said. "We don't talk about that!"

"Well, it's true mom and you feed Kanyon with them and sometimes milk squirts out!"

Out of the mouth of babes.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010:

On Tuesday the girls and I purged most of their stuffed animals to give to charity, Emerson's choice was to Haiti kids. I was so proud of them because they were only able to keep 10 of their most favorite and we filled 4 1/2 garbage bags to donate. That night at dinner while explaining the events of the day to daddy this is what Emerson said.

"Dad, why don't we take a family trip to Haiti to give the kids their new stuffed animals"

"Well Emmy, it's not really very safe in Haiti right now for us."

"You don't know the way do you dad?"

"No, I really don't."

"I think the Jonas Brothers know the way dad! How about we have them come over to our house and pick them up and take them for us!"

"Okay, we'll give them a call."

My only question is, since when are the Jonas Brothers a household topic for us!?!

Boy do we love Emerson and every time she makes us laugh.

Running For Our Angel

What will you be doing tomorrow (Saturday) morning?

I know exactly where I will be. I will be running in Ethan's Run: Hope for Heart Defects. It is the first annual local 10K race through the community of Las Sendas, which happens to be only 10 minutes from our house. Ethan Skidmore was also born with a Congenital Heart Defect almost one year to the day after Eden was born. Like all of these sweet little babies, Ethan fought hard to conquer his very sick heart. However, Ethan passed away this past summer and as a tribute to him, his parents have started this annual event to raise money and awareness of heart defects.

Ethan's parents were strangers to us two years ago, but now our lives are very meshed as we travel a most difficult journey together as friends, supporters and equals.

I will be wearing a "Running for our Angel" small poster I made complete with her name, dates and of course a picture.

Is It That Time Already?

I can not believe that it is February again and Eden's birthday is fast approaching.

What a difference a year makes in so many ways. I will admit that I have been thinking of Eden much more as of late and I find myself getting a little tearing as I remember the days leading up to her arrival. However, I do not feel the same level of sorrow, grief and anguish that I did last year. This too is all part of the healing and moving forward process I am sure. I still miss her every day and I hate that we have to celebrate her birthday without her every year, but at the same time I am happy for her that she is whole and healthy and in a better place now. I guess I feel like she is still such a big part of our family as the girls still talk about her all the time and they NEVER forget her in a prayer. They still pick out cute little outfits for her and have her Easter dress all picked out (on the rack at least). As I travel this road I am finding that what others told me is so true, that as time passes you learn to live with and deal with the reality that you have a child who has died. I even consider it progress now that I can say that "she died" instead of just "passed away." Death is so difficult for those who are left behind because I believe that we suffer far more than those who have passed on.

I see pictures of Eden every day that remind me of how precious and fragile life can be. I also see the beautiful, smiling face of my sweet Kanyon every day and that reminds me of the miracle of life and the joy of being a mother. I can honestly say now that going through our experience with Eden and now having Kanyon has taught me to truly cherish my children. I am not perfect by any means and I can still be the meanest mom in the world, but I love them more than I ever imagined was possible to love. Sometimes, as every mom knows, I am so overwhelmed by that love and it's in those moments that I KNOW I am blessed and that the Lord loves me.

I know I am bias, but could my little "Meatball" be any cuter? He is such a good baby that I have been spoiled. He has earned his nickname for sure because at just over 3 months he is a whopping 15.5 pounds. That's huge for me seeing that both Ainsley and Emerson were only 17 pounds at a year old. Obviously he never misses a meal and I must be dishing out cream this time around.

Boy does he love his sisters! He is still trying hard to grow a little hair but it's coming very slowly. In the light it is quite red so who knows we might have another carrot top in the house.

I love my girly girls so much! My sister's daughter, standing right next to Emerson, had a princess party last week after school and invited the girls. The teacher in the back was the host and it was truly a gala event. They were each given a tiara, earrings, a bracelet, a ring and the fabulous feather boa when they arrived. Then they sat around a table and drank homemade lemonade, ate finger PB&J sandwiches and decorated the HUGEST cupcakes I have ever seen, all while the teacher read countless princess stories to them. Man, how am I going to top this party!