Today, I Cry

It is amazing how my emotions can creep up on me.

Most of the time now, I feel like I am doing fairly well, but there are  moments, long and short, that I am beside myself with grief, pain, anger and heartache.  Today has been one of those moments.  The ironic thing is that there is no particular reason why I should be missing her so much today more than any other day.  On my difficult days, I seem to be surrounded by families, children and babies, all of whom appear to be without worries, cares or concerns.  I know this is not true, but the mind can be so tricky.  I do not wish this experience of losing a child on anyone because as a parent you feel like you are alone on an island even when you are surrounded by so many that love you.  When I cry, people look and they know why and it's an awkward silence.

I have thought many times lately that since we are in the season of thanksgiving, I should be more grateful, humble and focus on my blessings.  However, the carnal human side, the little red devil on my shoulder, makes me think "How was I blessed by having my baby die?"  "Why didn't my miracle come like I wanted?"  I pled with the Lord like everyone else, "Why did it have to end this way?"  "Why are the days not getting easier and my heart not hurting less?"  Then I am reminded that the Lord knows all and has a plan for our family.  It might be a very different plan than I had in mind, but I do not know everything as He does.  It is these moments that I believe help me to move forward an inch more and rekindle the happiness that once filled my soul.  I used to be a carefree, happy go lucky laugh at the world sort of person.  Now I am more somber, serious with much on my mind.  I am changed and forever will be, but that does not have to be a bad thing.  I can become whomever I decide to be so tomorrow I will put on a happy face and smile at those I pass.  This is what Eden would want, this is what Eden deserves.

My Sweet Eden,

Mommy wants to tell you how much I love you.  Not a moment goes by that I do not think of you or picture your sweet face in my mind.  If only I would have savored more the nine months we had, just the two of us.  I would have worried less and pondered more.  I would have spent more time talking with you and filling you in on our family.  I neglected to do so because I thought we had a lifetime to get to know each other.  I am sorry for this now.  I hope you know how special you are to me and our family.  You were definitely an angel that graced our presence.  Thank you for choosing me as your mother.  Your sisters love you and talk about you daily.  It makes me happy to know that you are happy and whole in the Savior's arms because I fear that your life on earth, if it had continued would not have been so carefree.  Stay close to your little family and do not ever be afraid to grace us with your heavenly spirit when the mood is just right.

I love you forever,

Mommy

Happy, Happy Birthday

Happy 4th birthday to my sweet, caring Ainsley Elizabeth

4 years old and playing soccer.

3 years.  She LOVES doggies!

2 1/2 in their Easter dresses.  They are fast friends.

16 mos.  The day that Emerson was born in her much loved Nemo jammies (it was so hard to get her out of them every morning).

9 mos and just learning to walk.  Since birth she has thought she's older than she really is.

6 mos.  Look at that hair!

4 mos.  She loved frozen carrots while she was teething.

The day she was born.  Her eyes were that wide the minute she came out and they didn't close most of the day.

Isn't she beautiful!  My Ainsley has always been wiser and more thoughtful than her years.  I thank her for teaching me how to be a mother and for making me laugh every day.  She loves to learn and has a memory like no other.  She is also a very kind, thoughtful and caring soul who is always concerned about me, Marcus and her sissies.  Not a prayer is said without mentioning Eden and if we forget she reminds us without delay.  I love my princess and wish her a wonderful year!

A Day in the Life

I just thought I would catch up with a few photos and such.  Nothing earth shattering, but I will take that for a change.  I do need to elaborate though on the medical bills statement I made a few posts back.  I am sure you all remember me telling you that Eden had surpassed her lifetime maximum payout with our private insurance and we were left with approximately $400,00.00 in medical bills.  Obviously, this hung over my head like an enormous, heavy weight.  I applied for state help (AHCCCS) because that is where I was directed to pay remaining bills for a deceased child.  We were promptly denied on account of a "verified deceased participant."  Since that day I made 10 phone calls trying to get someone to help me understand the decision and never received one return phone call!  Yes, I am still upset over how Eden's case was handled.  However, in the meantime Phoenix Children's Hospital sent us a Charity Application to fill out and submit with tax returns, back statement and property value information.  I received a phone call, on my birthday none the less, to tell me that our application through PCH was accepted and they have covered ALL of our Phoenix Children's bills 100%.  WOW!!!  This is a $360,000.00 account.  I am now working with the remainder of the providers to reduce our bills or have them written off.  I have found that most of Eden's providers have a charity application process, it is just not well known because they will take insurance money over anything.  It has really been a blessing for us to be forgiven of so many medical bills.  I will honestly say that I sleep better at night and I feel like I have been able to move forward a little in my grieving because of this.  Yet another tender mercy from our Lord!

 

Introducing 9 new members of our family, all named Ariel :)  As if we did not have enough eggs, Marcus wants the girls to learn about money and budgeting so the chickens and their eggs will be their little business.  Seven of them will lay eggs (4 green and 3 brown) and two are "friers".  That's right, Marcus will raise them to kill and eat them.  We are becoming quite the little farm family!

Me with my mom and dad on my birthday.  I LOVe my parents and I believe I am the luckiest gal in the world because I have AMAZING parents.  Anyone who knows them will agree!

Ainsley petting a goat on their class field trip to a farm.  You guessed it, Marcus came with us just to be on a farm again.  I think he's homesick!

Emerson was much happier petting the bunny.  I think she prefers animals that are smaller than her and don't have the potential to bite her or step on her!

We really are the ice cream family.  Some of my fondest memories as a child are of my family going to "Thrifty" for ice cream.  I am taking the photo, but yes I have a big cone as well :)  I LOVE my ice cream!

The Lord has truly blessed our family and although we still have difficult days, we thank Heavenly Father everyday for the opportunity and blessing that it was to have Eden with us on earth for her 4 months of life and how grateful we are to know that she will be a part of our family for all eternity!  We are blessed!

CA Prop 8 Opinion

Dad Here - 

Friends,

A few of my thoughts on the events of the past week surrounding Proposition 8 in California.

So let me make sure I understand what's going on... All those who are upset with Prop 8 passing in California have decided that the best thing to do is to pick on the Mormons?  Hmmmm, so one marginalized group decides that the best way to go and vent their outrage is to do it against another marginalized group in society?  Unbelievable.

I think it's important to remember that less than 2% of the state of California is LDS and nearly 31% is Roman Catholic; both faiths opposed the proposition.  Furthermore, nearly all Evangelical Faiths opposed the proposition, but let's get down to the facts.  Exit Polls are difficult monsters to extrapolate data from, but according to Exit Polls there were two decisive differences in Prop 8's passage.

First, 70% of black voters supported it.  There were approximately 10,357,002 votes cast on Prop 8.  The winning margin was 492,830 votes.  Blacks made up close to 10% of the electorate, so that would mean there were close to 1,035,700 votes cast by black voters.  That right there provided a difference of nearly 414,820 votes.  If math is correct, that is 84% of the winning margin.  The Washington Post stated that a majority of Hispanic voters also supported Proposition 8.

Second, another group that strongly supported Prop 8 appears to be married people with children under the age of 18.  Married people comprised nearly 62% of the vote and voted 60-40 in favor of Prop 8.  People with children under the age of 18 were 40% of the electorate and voted 64-36 n favor.  31% identified themselves as "Married with Children" (don't know if they were minor children) and they voted 68-32 in support.

If protestors want to vent their rage and spew their vitriol maybe they should go over to the local black church and call them "bigots."  Or, better yet, go over to a local gathering of Hispanic mothers and chant, "Shame on you!"  But then again, that wouldn't be very politically correct, would it?  I mean, who's going to stick up for the Mormons?  Oh yea I forgot, all those out of state Mormon Bigots that are so powerful that they put Mitt Romney into the White House this year, of course!

This behavior is shameless and sickening.  I understand if they are frustrated, for I would be frustrated if by using my democratic right my proposition hadn't passed (twice), but scapegoating Mormons simply because it is MORE politically correct to single them out over any other group is disgraceful.  More could be said on getting out the vote, the real definition of tax exempt status, accountability, the millions of dollars not spent by Hollywood and celebrities, the right of citizens, democracy and how we voice opinions; but at the end of the day it really comes down to the following:  Situational tolerance, as demonstrated by opponents to Prop 8, is the worst kind.  In fact, it's called something that most opponents of Prop 8 vehemently oppose... discrimination.

works cited:

http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/2008/results/polls/#val=CA101p2

http:/www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/06/AR2008110603880.html

IMPORTANT NOTE:  many thoughts above have been taken from multiple sources to express my personal opinions and frustrations.  

Getting To Know You

I've been tagged by many friends lately so I decided to use this one so you can get to know me a little better.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:30, This is MAJOR sleeping in for me.
2. Diamonds or pearls?  Diamonds for sure
3. What was the last film you saw @ the cinema? Passengers
4. What do you usually have for breakfast? Yogurt with berries and granola
5. What is your favorite TV show?? Lost and The Office
6. What is your middle name? Marie
7. What foods do you dislike? Shellfish (Love fish, but nothing that came from a shell, weird huh?!?)
8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? I don't listen to music in the house, but we have XM radio in the car and with the girls it's ALWAYS on Radio Disney
9. What kind of car do you drive? GMC Yukon XL
10. Favorite Sandwich?  Peanut butter and honey on whole wheat (my favorite since childhood)
11. What characteristic do you despise? People who do not follow through on their word
12. Favorite item of clothing? Shorts (good thing I live in a place that I can wear them almost year round)
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation: Where would you go ? Greece
14. Favorite brand of clothing? Toss up, Banana Republic and Ann Taylor Loft
15. What was the last thing you bought? A new outfit from Ann Taylor for my birthday
16. What was your most recent memorable day? Taking the girls to the movies yesterday to see Madagascar 2
17. Favorite sports to watch? Track and Field, no doubt 
18. Your birthday? October 30, 1974
19. Are you a morning or evening person? Definitely morning
20 What is your shoe size? 9
21. Pets? Chickens
22. What did you want to be when you were little?  A pizza maker at my local grocery store (how's that for ambition!)

23. Any new and exciting news you would like to share with everyone? GREAT medical bill news (I will post more later)
24. How do you feel today? Energized (mast be the sleeping in)
25. What is your favorite candy? Hard choice since I LOVE candy.  Non-chocolate = Hot Tamales and chocolate Cadbury DARK chocolate bar
26. What is your favorite flower? Tulip
27. What is the day on the calendar you're looking forward to? New Year's Day (2008 was a tough one for me and I am hoping 2009 is a bit easier)
28. What is your full name? Keisa Marie Ridgway
29. What are you listening to right now? Silence - only my typing
30. What was the last thing you ate? Yogurt with berries
31. Do you wish on stars? I sure do!
32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Yellow
33. How is the weather right now? Beautiful 76+ and sunny
34. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Marcus
35. favorite soft drink ? Fresca
36. favorite Restaurant? Mastro's Ocean Club
37. Hair Color? Mousy brown
38. What was your favorite toy as a child? Big Wheel
39. Summer or Winter? Summer, I love to swim and I don't mind the heat
40. Hugs or kisses? Kisses 
41. Chocolate or Vanilla? DARK chocolate - has to be dark
42. Coffee or Tea? I do not drink either, but I love a good hot cocoa in the winter 
43. When was the last time you cried? Last night before bed.  I was missing Eden
44. What is under your bed? Christmas gifts I am hiding - normally nothing, it's one of my fetishes
45. Salty or Sweet? Sweet
46. How many keys on your key ring? 4
47. How many years @ your current job? 8.5 - I started full-time and am now on-call
48. favorite day of the week? Friday 
49. How many towns have you lived in?  4 - Brigham City, UT, Wainesville, NC, Tempe and Mesa, AZ
50. Do you make friends easily? I think I do
ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!!!!

Tricks and Treats

We had a super Halloween last Friday and thanks to daddy, we have tons of fun pictures.  It was extra warm that evening (about 90 degrees), but the girls handled their warm costumes well.  

I LOVE MY GIRLS!!!!!

Ainsley has to pose for every picture.

The girls preschool Halloween party.  Wearing costumes is so fun!

Emerson is ALWAYS clowning around!

Couldn't you just eat them up!  So cute and getting so grown up.

Grammy and Papa accompanied us around the neighborhood and the wagon came in very handy as they got more and more tired.

"Don't bother me, I have to decide which to eat next!"

"Look at all MY candy!"

They did quite a bit of candy inspecting.  Boy do I remember those days.

My little witch and fairy.  Technically, they would call themselves a "princess witch" and a "princess ballerina fairy".  Have to get that "P" word in somewhere :)

We had a fabulous Halloween full of way too many treats.  Both of the girls enjoyed trick-or-treating and Ainsley is now catching on that the faster you go from house to house, the more candy you can get.  She had poor little Emerson running door to door!  Needless to say, we were all beat by the time we got home.  Sadly though, both girls got a bout of the 24-hour stomach flu and kept Marcus and I up most of the night vomiting.  They have not touched their candy since, nor have they asked for even one piece.  Now I have to figure out what to do with all of this candy!