What We've Been Up To

Triathlons, ice cream, new hair do's and doggie doors!

NEED I SAY MORE!

The Second Year

It has been two years now since our sweet Eden passed away. Two years since I kissed her sweet face for the last time. Two years since she returned to her Heavenly Father. I love her and I miss her so much and I still think of her every day, but this year has been easier. I use the analogy of a wound for people. When the cut first happens it stings, hurts, oozes and aches so much. It is almost constant. Then it scabs over, but at first the scab is so very tender and it can split, break, ooze or bleed at any moment. However, over time and with lots of love, care and patience the scab is stronger and will finally become a scar. Now the scar will never go away and occasionally it will itch, burn or ache but not to the extent of the fresh wound. It is just there as a constant reminder of the history of the wound and when you look at it or touch it, you remember it's history but without as many emotions or hurt. This is completely how it is with me and the entire experience with Eden. I will NEVER forget any moment with her and my heart will always have a small hole left by her passing, but the sting and the burn is not there. I know this is what Eden would want for me, for our family. Marcus always tells me that life is for the living and I have to embrace the children I have here with me.

I love you Eden and I thank you two years later for teaching me so many important lessons and for making me a better person. Our family is stronger because of you!

Very Overdue Update

Since it has been way too long since I put anything on our blog, I thought it would be best if I gave a photo update. Our family is good, in fact great, and we are all happy, healthy and enjoying the summer. Kanyon is growing so fast and has successfully become the favorite of everyone in the family. We really feel like he is a great blessing for all of us, a calm after the storm if you will, and has brought so much joy and happiness to our family. I didn't realize how we needed him until after he was born. The healing that our family has experienced with him as the core is remarkable.

Enjoy the pictures!

Eden's 2nd birthday was a lovely day, but overcast and rainy. Our fabulous friends put all of these balloons in our yard while we were at church. Thanks Andersons!

Saying Happy Birthday to Eden. It was so cold and wet.

Two white balloons for her second birthday. Hard to believe it's been that long!

Her birthday cake with a princess crown, of course!

A delicious pink cake from the Andersons and a cookie pie (my favorite) from the Goodmans. We love you guys!

Of course we had a party for Eden and sang happy birthday. How blessed we are to have so many family and friends that love and support us.

Most mornings when I come in to Kanyon's room this is what I find, Finley and all! I do not use baby monitors so it's always a surprise :)

Yes I admit it, I have a CRUSH!!

Happy Easter Ainsley. She is getting so grown up.

Can you see all of the freckles Emerson is getting. Let me tell you, she has a personality to go with her fiery red hair.

Kanyon's 1st Easter. Chilling out as usual.

Visiting Eden with the cute balloon the Easter Bunny left her. She is never forgotten. PArdon the squints, but it was SOOOO bright.

My boys, how I love them.

Easter Memories

Memories come and go, but I have been taken back this past week to the Easter week two years ago. It was Eden's best 4 days following her surgery and the best she would ever look post surgery. I miss her so much lately and my heart is very empty right now. Eden, I love you and I miss kissing your sweet face and rubbing your dainty hands and feet. Oh how I wish you could have been in our home with us to romp and play with your brother and sisters. I love you and I miss you so much it hurts!

Holding her on Easter Sunday 2009. One of the last times I would hold her before the night she passed.

Happy Easter my sweet Eden. How grateful I am for the Lord's sacrifice for us that makes it possible for me to see you again.

One Pound in Two Weeks: Enough Said

That's right, Kanyon gained another pound in just two short weeks.

At his 4 month well visit he had a little fluid in his ears and was put on an antibiotic. We went back today to re-check his ears and he has gained another pound! He was 16.5 pounds two weeks ago and is now 17.4 pounds. Both Ainsley and Emerson only weighed 17 pounds at a year old. Hence his nickname "Meatball!"

Here are a few photos of our crazy life lately. Enjoy!

Boy does he look like Emerson!

The girls, especially Ainsley, are so in love with their brother!

I'm a little biased, but don't we have the cutest dog ever. We love our Finley.

Getting ready for church. Marcus loves to rough and tumble with his boy.

Me assuming the position. This is where I sit, reclined, almost every three hours each day and Finley is ALWAYS right beside us. He LOVES his baby brother too.

Didn't judge me, but I have been known to feed Kanyon in the early morning, like 6 am, then put him in our bed for some nice, comfy sleep. Yes, Finley sleeps on our bed. He doesn't shed so I don't mind.

Who looks more comfortable, you be the judge?

I just can't get over how big he's getting. He's now in a #3 diaper and Emerson never even outgrew a #3. SCARY!!

Kanyon has so much fun goofing around with the girls and always wants to be right in on the action.

The Way to My Heart

If you will recall, about a year ago Marcus surprised me with a new pair of workout shoes and I was one happy woman.

Well, on Thursday he did it again! Same brand, this years model, different color and oh so "snazzy" as my dad would say. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my cute, strappy, girly shoes, heels and sandals, but I am just as happy in a sharp pair of running shoes and I feel no less girly or cute in them.

I am one that does not mix business with pleasure. I have running shoes that I ONLY run and train in. I have gym shoes that I wear for strength training and cross-training and I have sneakers that I wear just for comfort. I am sure I will get many "comfy and snazzy" miles out of these shoes and if nothing else I will get some looks for the color!

Thank you sweetheart. You really are so thoughtful and good to me because you know just how to make me smile!

Happy Birthday Eden Dear!

It's had to believe but my sweet Eden Grace would be turning two years old today. It's been a very emotional week for me to say the least and my heart aches to touch her just one more time today. I imagine that her birthday will always be a difficult day, one where my hearts hurts and the void feels a little bigger. We are having a small, family party for her tonight with a princess cake and balloons. A time to just remember her and the blessing she has been in so many lives.

This is one of my favorite pictures of her. As you can tell, it is moments after her birth and when I look at it I can not help but think I see a look of complete satisfaction on her face, almost a small smile.

My Dear Eden,

It is so hard for me to believe that you were born two years ago. I can remember the events of that day like it was last week. I was so nervous that morning for I feared not for you, but if I would be a good enough mother to care for you and your Down syndrome. Why that scared me so much I don't know, but the moment I saw you I was in love completely. You were so tiny, so delicate and so very peaceful. You did everything that a newborn should do and I am so blessed to have had three full days with you all to myself. I was able to hold and cuddle you, nurse you countless times and change your diaper. Little did I know then that I would never have that opportunity again. No one knew until later just how sick you really were and just how fragile your little heart was. I count those days as your blessing to me and I cherish them with a quiet reverence. I miss you so much sometimes Eden, but you are still such a big part of our family life and conversations. The girls talk about you all the time and still pick out beautiful, spinny dresses for you. I love to hear them telling friends and strangers alike about their sister who lives in heaven. You daddy and I are healing, but it is a long process. We are happy though and we are better people because of you. Eden, know that we love you so much and we thank you for your example of strength and courage. I hope you have a very happy birthday today and can dance and celebrate like every princess should.

Love, your mommy

Life With Emerson: You Better Keep Your Ears Open

As I have said before, Emerson is a feisty, sassy, sweet, opinionated redhead and she says some of the funniest things I've ever heard. I have three conversations in particular toady and I write them more for my sake, so I can remember them, but also for a little comic relief. Beware though, it is raw and out of the mouth of a 3.5 year old.

Thursday, February 18, 2010:

We had Finley fixed on Tuesday the 16th and this is the conversation that I overheard between Emerson and our babysitter, Lisa.

"Guess what Lisa, Finley went to the doggy doctor on Tuesday."

"Really, is he okay?"

"Yeah, he just had his balls cut off!"

At this point I chimed in and said,

"Emerson, where did you hear that?"

"Nowhere, mom. That's just what they looked like and now they're gone."

Well, how about that!

Friday, February 19, 2010:

When I picked her up from preschool on Friday we also brought her friend Lexi home with us to play. On the ride home this is what the two of them talked about.

"Lexi, guess how they had to get me out of my mommies tummy?"

"How?"

"They had to cut her tummy open and yank me ot because I was stuck!"

I then clarified that yes, they cut my tummy open, but they had to do that for all four of them, Ainsley, Emmy, Eden and Kanyon.

"Yeah Lexi, we have a sister Eden and she died."

"Oh, I know."

"She had a sick heart that did not pump blood right to her body."

"Oh!"

"But she's in heaven now and we will see her again when we die because we are an eternal family."

"That's neat Emerson."

"Sometimes we like to sit in our reverent room and look at pictures of Eden because if we are really quiet we can feel her spirit in there."

"Huh?!?" (I'm sure Lexi is a little confused at this point.)

I was feeling quite prideful right about now listening to her have such a sweet moment with her friend. But, just wait to see how she tops it.

"Yeah, and my mommy has big, fat boobies!"

"Emerson," I said. "We don't talk about that!"

"Well, it's true mom and you feed Kanyon with them and sometimes milk squirts out!"

Out of the mouth of babes.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010:

On Tuesday the girls and I purged most of their stuffed animals to give to charity, Emerson's choice was to Haiti kids. I was so proud of them because they were only able to keep 10 of their most favorite and we filled 4 1/2 garbage bags to donate. That night at dinner while explaining the events of the day to daddy this is what Emerson said.

"Dad, why don't we take a family trip to Haiti to give the kids their new stuffed animals"

"Well Emmy, it's not really very safe in Haiti right now for us."

"You don't know the way do you dad?"

"No, I really don't."

"I think the Jonas Brothers know the way dad! How about we have them come over to our house and pick them up and take them for us!"

"Okay, we'll give them a call."

My only question is, since when are the Jonas Brothers a household topic for us!?!

Boy do we love Emerson and every time she makes us laugh.

Running For Our Angel

What will you be doing tomorrow (Saturday) morning?

I know exactly where I will be. I will be running in Ethan's Run: Hope for Heart Defects. It is the first annual local 10K race through the community of Las Sendas, which happens to be only 10 minutes from our house. Ethan Skidmore was also born with a Congenital Heart Defect almost one year to the day after Eden was born. Like all of these sweet little babies, Ethan fought hard to conquer his very sick heart. However, Ethan passed away this past summer and as a tribute to him, his parents have started this annual event to raise money and awareness of heart defects.

Ethan's parents were strangers to us two years ago, but now our lives are very meshed as we travel a most difficult journey together as friends, supporters and equals.

I will be wearing a "Running for our Angel" small poster I made complete with her name, dates and of course a picture.

Is It That Time Already?

I can not believe that it is February again and Eden's birthday is fast approaching.

What a difference a year makes in so many ways. I will admit that I have been thinking of Eden much more as of late and I find myself getting a little tearing as I remember the days leading up to her arrival. However, I do not feel the same level of sorrow, grief and anguish that I did last year. This too is all part of the healing and moving forward process I am sure. I still miss her every day and I hate that we have to celebrate her birthday without her every year, but at the same time I am happy for her that she is whole and healthy and in a better place now. I guess I feel like she is still such a big part of our family as the girls still talk about her all the time and they NEVER forget her in a prayer. They still pick out cute little outfits for her and have her Easter dress all picked out (on the rack at least). As I travel this road I am finding that what others told me is so true, that as time passes you learn to live with and deal with the reality that you have a child who has died. I even consider it progress now that I can say that "she died" instead of just "passed away." Death is so difficult for those who are left behind because I believe that we suffer far more than those who have passed on.

I see pictures of Eden every day that remind me of how precious and fragile life can be. I also see the beautiful, smiling face of my sweet Kanyon every day and that reminds me of the miracle of life and the joy of being a mother. I can honestly say now that going through our experience with Eden and now having Kanyon has taught me to truly cherish my children. I am not perfect by any means and I can still be the meanest mom in the world, but I love them more than I ever imagined was possible to love. Sometimes, as every mom knows, I am so overwhelmed by that love and it's in those moments that I KNOW I am blessed and that the Lord loves me.

I know I am bias, but could my little "Meatball" be any cuter? He is such a good baby that I have been spoiled. He has earned his nickname for sure because at just over 3 months he is a whopping 15.5 pounds. That's huge for me seeing that both Ainsley and Emerson were only 17 pounds at a year old. Obviously he never misses a meal and I must be dishing out cream this time around.

Boy does he love his sisters! He is still trying hard to grow a little hair but it's coming very slowly. In the light it is quite red so who knows we might have another carrot top in the house.

I love my girly girls so much! My sister's daughter, standing right next to Emerson, had a princess party last week after school and invited the girls. The teacher in the back was the host and it was truly a gala event. They were each given a tiara, earrings, a bracelet, a ring and the fabulous feather boa when they arrived. Then they sat around a table and drank homemade lemonade, ate finger PB&J sandwiches and decorated the HUGEST cupcakes I have ever seen, all while the teacher read countless princess stories to them. Man, how am I going to top this party!

I Should Be Ashamed

I really am ashamed that it has been so long since my last post. I could blame it on a new baby keeping me busy, the holiday rush that had me going in every direction or just plain laziness. It's not that I haven't wanted to post, but sometimes life gets in the way.

We had such a wonderful holiday season this year and we feel very blessed to be healthy and happy starting 2010. Enjoy all of the pictures as I feel that they can tell the story of our lives these last few months better than words.

We took a Christmas arrangement to Eden's grave at the beginning of the month so she could "deck the halls" all month. It was also Kanyon's first visit to his sisters resting place. What a bitter sweet afternoon for us as we miss Eden so much every day but it's so much worse around the holidays.

The three boys next to our little princess. Her grave marker by the way is almost complete and it is going to be PERFECT. Obviously it's taken us long enough, but it has really evolved into something magical. We can't wait to unveil it soon.

When moms away, the kids will play! The girls LOVE jumping on our bed, when I'm not home of course, and dad is in charge (who do you think took the pictures?)

Kanyon all dressed up for church in his Sunday best. Finley is never far from his side. We think that Finley thinks Kanyon is literally his baby!

Marcus's masterpiece!!! Marcus made all of the bows and notice the small black picture frames that he put family photos in and made into ornaments. He really outdid himself this year.

Christmas morning. Santa has come and gone and the girls are about to get up. I LOVE Christmas morning!

Ainsley made sure to show Kanyon what Santa left for him. She is such a wonderful big sister. I remember I used to make fun of my mom in the Christmas morning pictures. Well, I guess that's going to bite me in the butt now, YIKES!!!

All of the gifts are open and the damage is done. Notice Kanyon taking it all in on the floor. He is such a pleasant, content little man. We are too blessed!

What every little girl wants for Christmas, a Snuggie! The girls begged for these so we gave in. Now they carry them around the house every morning!

Clip on earrings. Thanks Grandma Marsha!

Every girl knows that the right pair of earrings will make your outfit!

Marry Christmas daddy! Marcus has gone from road cycling to triathlons, which require a different bike. This is his new "mistress" as I say but she sure is a beauty to look at! It looks fast just sitting there!

We took a trip to Disneyland, of course, right after New Years with our friends the Andersons. Of course you have to ham it up with a Fruit By the Foot!

Kanyon was so good the entire trip, but sometimes he didn't know what to make of all the action.

Daddy and his boy!

All the girls ready for a spin on the tea cups. I love that ride.

Marcus always brings a little work with him, but that's the price you pay for owning your own business. Poor Kanyon was BEAT!!

Waiting in line at It's a Small World. We were so lucky to have my mom and our favorite babysitter Addi along.

Boy do I love these ladies!