It is amazing how my emotions can creep up on me.
Most of the time now, I feel like I am doing fairly well, but there are moments, long and short, that I am beside myself with grief, pain, anger and heartache. Today has been one of those moments. The ironic thing is that there is no particular reason why I should be missing her so much today more than any other day. On my difficult days, I seem to be surrounded by families, children and babies, all of whom appear to be without worries, cares or concerns. I know this is not true, but the mind can be so tricky. I do not wish this experience of losing a child on anyone because as a parent you feel like you are alone on an island even when you are surrounded by so many that love you. When I cry, people look and they know why and it's an awkward silence.
I have thought many times lately that since we are in the season of thanksgiving, I should be more grateful, humble and focus on my blessings. However, the carnal human side, the little red devil on my shoulder, makes me think "How was I blessed by having my baby die?" "Why didn't my miracle come like I wanted?" I pled with the Lord like everyone else, "Why did it have to end this way?" "Why are the days not getting easier and my heart not hurting less?" Then I am reminded that the Lord knows all and has a plan for our family. It might be a very different plan than I had in mind, but I do not know everything as He does. It is these moments that I believe help me to move forward an inch more and rekindle the happiness that once filled my soul. I used to be a carefree, happy go lucky laugh at the world sort of person. Now I am more somber, serious with much on my mind. I am changed and forever will be, but that does not have to be a bad thing. I can become whomever I decide to be so tomorrow I will put on a happy face and smile at those I pass. This is what Eden would want, this is what Eden deserves.
My Sweet Eden,
Mommy wants to tell you how much I love you. Not a moment goes by that I do not think of you or picture your sweet face in my mind. If only I would have savored more the nine months we had, just the two of us. I would have worried less and pondered more. I would have spent more time talking with you and filling you in on our family. I neglected to do so because I thought we had a lifetime to get to know each other. I am sorry for this now. I hope you know how special you are to me and our family. You were definitely an angel that graced our presence. Thank you for choosing me as your mother. Your sisters love you and talk about you daily. It makes me happy to know that you are happy and whole in the Savior's arms because I fear that your life on earth, if it had continued would not have been so carefree. Stay close to your little family and do not ever be afraid to grace us with your heavenly spirit when the mood is just right.
I love you forever,
Mommy
12 comments:
Why I do not know your grief, What you wrote made me think of Heavenly Father and his son Jesus. I can't imagine it was easy for Heavenly Father to watch as men tortured his son and hung him on a cross to die. I wonder how many times he wanted to say stop. What had his son done? Nothing. Just like Eden. She was perfect. Sometimes I wonder whether to write anything or not, but I just wanted to let you know that we are all here for you.
I am so sorry that your heart is aching! I can't even begin to immagine the emotions tha you have felt from loving and losing Eden. She IS PERFECT and always will be! I have no words of comfort and I'm sorry for that. I pray that you will feel her love wrapped ALL around you!! I love that the girls talk about Eden and share their feelings so openly with you. That's proof of what a loving mommy they have!!
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
Andrea
I am like so many others that love you and your family Keis...we know you are aching, pains and anguish we do not know. I want so badly to help, to say something that would help. I think the only thing to say is that I love you. I think of you and your family so often.
A good friend of mine just two doors down just experienced burying her baby daughter. Her experience was much like yours with baby Eden, except her baby Samantha was only here for five days. They were given no warning as to her disabilities either. I saw Mary on Sunday with tear stain cheeks and I thought of you immediately. I'm sure the church setting stirs the emotions quickly.
I love you Keisa. Keep on keepin on. You are a wonderful, beautiful, strong, mother.
Keisa,
You are amazing and I cry with you. I wish I could take the pain away. I do not doubt your faith. I just feel like there are times in our life where it is natural to mourn and take that time. The Savior wept when Lazarus passed. Take the time you need. And when that pain and sorrow ease a bit, continue on.
Heart hugs,
Emily
Everytime I read about your struggles, I cry. I know all too well the pain that death causes. It has been 42 years since my mother, brother and sister died and I still miss them and wonder "why me". The only thing I have gained from it is being sensitive to other's who are going through it too but overall it just plain stinks! I have on many occasions begged Heavenly Father for a "visit" from her...just for a moment...for a little comfort and support, just to see she is real, but have never been blessed with it like I know others have. I know my mother is watching over me but sometimes I think I let the pain and resentment get in the way from really being able to feeling her presence. I also find it hardest when you see other's having experiences that you will never have again. When friends are with or talking about their moms and how great they, being reminded of what I am missing out on, is sometimes more then I can take. The pain is very real for me! However,I know Heavenly Father blesses us with a heart big enough for it AND all the good stuff too! Everytime I am suffering, I ask myself what good can I use this for. I think in the whole sceme of my life, it has taught me to love people more, to be more loving and caring and never take life for granted. A lot of people are never blessed with that insight in their whole lifetime. Maybe those who loose loved ones have a special mission on earth to use this knowledge and wisdom for good in changing people's lives. With every trial and hardship, good things come. It is just a matter of figuring out what the good is! I love you and thanks for sharing...you probably don't even know how much you are blessing others when you share!
I have always admired your strength, Keisa. Why you were called to endure such pain, I don't know. I just want you to know that I am reading your experience and sending you my love and prayers.
Keisa, Thank you for always being so honest about your thoughts and feelings you are amazing to share with us all. We cannot know your angush ,but I do pray for your heart to mend and be comforted. We have been blessd to know you and learm with you, the great magnitude of our Heavenly Fathers love for us, to know there is life after this earthly existance, to know that you are sealed as a family, that Eden is yours eternaly. To know that when all we as your friends can do it is not enough ,but that our prayers for the comforter to come to you will boey you up. The far reaching blessings of our Saviors Atonement, that he knows exactly how you feel, what you think, and that you can lay those heart aches at his feet and He will and does carry you when you can not even find the strenght to think about what is going on around you. What a blessing that knowledge is. I think of those who have such tragedy in their lives and do not know or believe in our Loving Heavenly Father, or our Saviors atonement and how far reaching his loveis for us, how do they go on? It is hard even when we know. I hope and pray for You and Marcus that through time the pain will fade and the memories be ever sweet.
Love you so much.
My love and prayers are with you, Keisa.
Your thoughts and feelings are so similar to how mine were, almost identical. I remember just crying out of the blue, and wondering why the miracle I pleaded for didn't work the way "I" wanted it to. In time (you probably hate that word) you will be better. I promise. Your heart will heal through our Saviors atonement and you will be given what you need. Hang in there and know that you are loved by many.
My thoughts and prayers are with you often... I wonder how you get through the day.
I know that HE loves us, and that HE blesses us so much. You have a beautiful family of 5, forever. I love you and know that you are so STRONG... more than I could ever hope to be.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for your comment on my blog. When I got pregnant, I thought of baby Eden and had a strong feeling she is watching over my baby! She has touched so many of our lifes.
Love you and your family. Know that you are not doing this alone. Though it may feel like it at times.
Love Bonnie
Keis,
I am not good with words, exspecialy when I can see that you are hurting inside. I just want you to know that I love you and admire everything about you. I would love to take away all your pain, I would do it in a second if I could. You are a remarkable woman, friend, and most of all MOTHER, hang in there.
oxoo,
Summer
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