I just do not understand the comments I get sometimes, to be very honest they are offensive to me.
I do not speak of people who are strangers to me/us and have no idea of our little family dynamics. I believe that they speak completely out of innocence. However, I will be forever perplexed at what people say to me who know full well our family situation. I will state for everyone that I have given birth to THREE full-term, live, beautiful daughters. The fact that Eden only lived on this earth for 4.5 months does not change the fact that I did have to be pregnant with her and deliver her, just like any other baby. I felt her move and kick just like every other baby. I get comments all the time to the effect of "How are you feeling the third time around?" or "Third times a charm I guess, because it's a boy." or "The third one was really tough for me I hope you are feeling okay." or "When did your other two come, early or late?" Each time I am faced with a comment I ALWAYS clarify to them that I have three children and this is my fourth. Most of them just look at me when I say that with a response of "Well, you know what I mean." Actually, no I do not! I believe that one of the fears for a mother who has lost an infant/child is that they will be forgotten and comments of this nature almost make that fear seem like a reality. I love my Eden and I miss her every day of my life and I will probably miss her forever. I LOVE the photo I have of my three daughters together and it literally breaks my heart that I will not have a picture with all four of my children when our little man is born. However, I truly believe that if I had "angel" eyes I would see Eden in one of those photos.
Life really is a roller coaster ride and although it can be fast, furious and scary at times, I am so thankful for the journey and the family I have to share it with.
12 comments:
I lost my sweet Elizabeth when I was 8 months pregnant. People seem to think that I should " be over it by now " when it has only been 6 months since she died. Even if it had been 6 years, I still wouldn't be " over it " Your Daughter is REAL. She is in Heaven waiting for you. I cannot believe people don't acknowledge that. I absolutely do acknowledge that ! And I guess this is another one of those experience that only mothers like us ( who have lost children ) can understand. I am so sorry you have felt this way. Please know that I would feel the same way.
I am so sorry Keisa! That must be so difficult to deal with especially on a regular basis. One lady at our church who lost a child tells everyone or will remind everyone, "I have 8 children, 7 living." Even though the baby she lost would be a teenage now, she still reminds people. Don't let anyone forget sweet Eden.
I am so sorry that people can be so insensitive. I honestly think people people have a hard time grasping the concept of losing a child and do not know how to approach the subject of losing an infant or a child through miscarriage. I was just thinking I have never lost a child, but that is not true because I lost a child through miscarriage. Strange! I guess I just don't really let myself go there because if I were to grieve I don't know if I would be grieving for a boy or girl. Anyway, I think often times people just don't know what to say, or they fear that mentioning Eden will make you sad. I guess they do not realize that it is ok to talk about her. Though as you say I don't get it because those comments to me seem really insensitive; especially, those who know your situation. Given that it hasn't been a year since she past away I can't imagine they have forgotten about her either. So sorry!
I totally agree here! I hate when people ask, "is this your first?" I SERIOUSLY say, it's rather complicated and than smile. I than either choose to share, and explain where my other two are, or just simply leave it at that. But I get way MAD when people forget about our precious other two.
I have followed your blog for about a year, and I am so happy for your family and the new life that is about to join you. I agree with you, the things that people are saying to you are very disrespectful and unknowledgeable. You have every right to mourn Eden's loss, yet every right to look forward to the birth of your FOURTH child.
I'm so sorry that you have to face this everyday of your life...
I can't imagine how difficult it must be, having to remind everyone not to forget your angel daughter, a very real part of your daily life and thoughts.
~So happy for you, that things are going well with this pregnancy.
I hope that you will feel our prayers for you and your family, and that you continue to feel Eden close by.
Love,
Keiauni
I went back and looked over the comments to make sure I didn't say anything.. because I would NEVER intentionally say something to hurt you. I don't think I would have, but if I did, I'd be forever sorry.
I miss visiting Eden in her hospital room, the spirit was SO strong in there. I look forward to seeing what baby #4 is going to look like... I envision a little red headed babe. I'm THRILLED for you and Marcus!
I'm sorry that people say things that hurt. Eden will always be your third and perfect angel. She definetly left a stamp on my heart the handful of times I visited her.
Andrea
I love this rant, tell it like it is sister! Don't take any crap. GO KEISA!!
I think if we had Angel Eyes, we'd see Eden in every one of your family pictures. :) Sorry you hurt, my friend.
I appreciate your candor here. One of the parts of the journey of going through something like this are the well-intentioned, yet very insensitive comments and actions of others. Recently I've realized that those of us who go through such frightening things with our kids have to deal with being in a place that most are uncomfortable in. We have to spend large amounts of time at the boundary between life and death while the natural tendency is to avoid it. So there are lots of people who stumble in clumsily to this sacred space and in their awkwardness cause more anguish.
I've often thought about posting a list of the hurtful comments and gestures I just can't shake, but am unsure of how to do this since most of the people involved are readers, but I like the way you did it to just to make people aware.
Over the last 8mos of dealing with my son's condition, I've found myself playfully telling people "Shut up--but don't leave me" because that's how I feel. We don't want to be alone, but there is no trite comment or observation that is going to lessen the pain or explain it all. It's infuriating when people try.
Sorry for the long post, but your post got me thinking.
Peace, comfort, joy and hope!
Rolf
Keisa! Let me speak for all of us who may have slipped up...
We love you guys and only want the best for your family! You are great friends and I think that most people have a hard time saying the right thing. In fear that the wrong thing might come out. We all remember lil Eden and the heartake felt by her sickness and passing. I think that people in general are finally feeling like there is something to have hope, joy, happiness in with this healthy pregnancy. Having it be a BOY is the icing on the cake! I know that you have mixed feelings right now...sad because the year mark for Eden is coming up and happy because of the new baby that is in your life. I know that you don't want people to be afraid to say anything to you guys... calling them out will only make things worse. Eden's loss isn't so easy for some people to talk about... please know that we love you and try to understand that people are only human and therefore make mistakes. Once again congrats on the news!!!
Keisa,
I get that all the time from a number of people. I actually feel badly for the poor person in the store who asks if I feel overwhelmed with three and I tell them the whole story about Luke. On the bright side, at least that person is made more aware of CHDs, right?!?! I will never let him be forgotten and I know that you will never let Eden be forgotten. It is something that I struggle with daily. I am so happy for you guys on the news of your sweet little boy. It seems as though all of us heart angel moms are having boys now!!!! It is so nice to be the mother of four, isn't it? Take care of yourself and get lots of rest as this baby boy will keep you busy! :)
Bernie
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