Let it be known that I am very nostalgic lately.
It was exactly one year ago today, June 17, 2008 that I held my Eden for the last time before her passing. It was also the day last year that Dr. Pearl and his team did Eden's second open heart surgery. For those of you who can recall, it was a VERY scary day for us and little Eden was in the OR for just shy of 12 hours. I remember so well sitting in her room, waiting for updates and then updating each of you. I will never forget the horrible news we received a few times that she was not doing well and might not make it out of surgery alive. Oh how hard we prayed then that she would come back to us alive because I DID NOT want my baby to die surrounded by near strangers. I remember praying at that moment that if the Lord wanted her to come home to please just let her live until she came back to us, her parents and family, so that we could shower her with love and affection in her last moments. How thankful I am that He answered my prayers and even blessed us with 2 and 1/2 more weeks with her.
As we get closer to her anniversary, her "angel" day it is on my mind constantly. How will I feel? What will I do that morning? Will I feel her near that day? I can not lie that I am scared for that day and I am nervous to face my fear. One year without my baby. So much has happened, yet I wonder where the time has gone. Her bedroom is still untouched, just as it was when I arranged all of her things following the funeral. I know it's time to pack it all away and prepare for our little boy, but it's hard, scary, all too final.
Today I thank all of you for continuing on this journey with me, with us. I also give you all a very belated thank you for staying with us throughout her entire surgery last year. As I went back to last year's posts and read the comments and looked at the time, I am humbled and grateful for your friendship, faith and prayers. I know that they sustained us at the most dark of moments and they continue to bless us even today.
I love you Eden and I miss you - everything about you. But, I know that you are in the Lord's hands and I know that you watch over us as only the best of angels can. We are blessed because we have our own, personal angel.
10 comments:
I've been thinking about you, knowing the angel day is approaching. I'm so glad I got to visit Eden a couple of weeks before she passed away - it's something I'll always remember. If I can do anything for you, help you pack her room up, ANYTHING to make this time less hard (I'm not going to say easier because I know none of it will be easy), I would love to help and I know many other people would love to help you too. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
I remember coming into your blog about this time last year. I was so over joyed to learn that not only did Lily have a birthday partner in Bela, but Eden joined her also. How special all three of our girls ARE.
I will always say ARE, even though precious Eden may not be here with us physically, I know she is here with us spiritually. She is Lily and Bela's guardian angel. Our three girls, born on such a unique day, with such beautiful hearts. Even though broken, they were/are very much whole. I do not go a day without thinking of Eden. Even though I never met her, or your family, she has stayed with me.
I have always dreaded what you are now having to face. What would I do if I had to come home and pack my sweet little girls things up. Touching her things one last time is such a finality. Something no parent should have to do. But I believe that when the time is right, our heavenly father will guide you into her room and hold you in his arms. Eden will be there with you as you put away her things and make room for her baby brother.
She is blessed to have such a wonderful mommy and daddy. That even though she spent just a few short months here on this earth, she made such a huge imapct on so many. You have such strength that I admire and look to in my time of turmoil with Lily.
I pray all things go smoothly, we will be thinking of you as her "angel" day comes closer. Every tear you cry, God catches in his hand.
Sending you our Love, Hugs and Prayers.
Jenna and Lilyana
ps: I can't wait to see the girls little brother. After 3 girls, a boy will be a big change. But boys are tons of fun! Any thoughts on names yet?
Keisa, tears are in my eyes as I read your post. You have been on my mind a lot lately as her angel day draws near. You and your family will continue to be in our prayers.
Blessings
Alex
Oh how I remember that day last year.. checking in on your blog every couple hours waiting for update.. PRAYING that she made it out. My heart ached for you then and it does today still does. I don't know how a Mother finds the strength that you have. You are amazing. Eden is definetly your personal angel!
What a year it has been! I am SO grateful for you and Marcus in our lives, you have been such an anchor for us. You were there at our darkest hours as strangers offering your love and support. I have relied and leaned on you and your strength. I know you will do fabulous on her special day. I hope she'll be near, a part of me believes she will be. I love this little girlie and I like to picture her and Jersey twirling with their angel wings.
If you're feeling brave please call me and I can help with her room. If you're not feeling brave I can do it all by myself! I'd be more than happy to, well, and a little sad!
Sorry Keisa-
Just know she is pain free and enjoying life in the most beautiful of places. Oh how wonderful will be the reunion!
I keep waiting for your jam picture's!!! :)
Awww Keisa! That sweet perfect post brought tears to my eyes! What a beautiful tribute to your precious angel! You are such an example to me! I look up to you and your strength so much! I already have anxiety for the arrival of Feb 15th! You are so brave and such an example to us all! I know your sweet Eden is so proud of her mommy! She chose you to be her mommy because she knew how strong you are. She knew you would work hard everyday so you can be with her again! That day will come, and I know you two will be together again!
Love you Keisa. You are a beautiful mother.
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