ALREADY?!?!?

Is it really "that week" already?

I can not believe that this is the week of Eden's anniversary.  It has come so fast, but passed so slow at the same time.  It's hard for me to know what or how to think most of the time as we lead up to Sunday, the 5th.  However, I really want to make it a more happy day than a sad one and I want to focus on the wonderful memories of Eden that we all still talk about.  Of course I miss her terribly and I wish that it could have been different.  But, if I truly believe that the Lord has a plan for me and my family, than I have to be comforted in the fact that this was the Lord's will and it was the best thing for her and our family.  I might not know the full extent of His plan until much later in life, or not even until the next life, but I can not deny that He watches over our family.

You might remember me talking about the very last Tuesday I had with Eden, it was a marvelous day.  She was not progressing at all, in fact she was beginning to decline.  I had a very frank discussion with one of her doctors that day and it was not positive.  When she and I were finally alone, I stood over her bed and for the first time in weeks she was so very alert and focused.  She looked right at me and we "talked" for more than an hour.  I told her everything going on at home and how much her sisters loved her.  I told her that I was trying to be strong and make the right decisions for her.  Most of the time, I just told her that I was so proud of her and that I loved her so very much.  At that moment, I KNOW that she knew me and felt my love for her.  She drifted off after that and was never really conscious again.  I did not know it that day, but I would never see her little eyes open again.  I wish I would have stayed and talked longer, however I thank my Father in Heaven every day for giving me that special time with her.  I believe that both Eden and the Lord knew that the end was close and this was a "tender mercy" from him to comfort me.  A memory that I will always cherish.

The journey is a rough one, definitely a dirt road, and the road to peace and recovery is so long.  But it has been a good year and I am a better person because of Eden.  Our family is stronger and Marcus and I have a better relationship.  These are blessings that I am thankful to have.  I am grateful for all of you as well for sustaining me and lifting me through to darkest of days and for letting me grieve as I need.

I went back to my posts from this week last year and here is what I said last year on Tuesday:

"It always amazes me that although I am at my breaking point with inner turmoil, as soon as I enter her room I am filled with a very calm, peaceful, loving feeling. I pray daily that the Lord's sweetest angels are attending her right now and giving her the comfort that I can not always provide. Her doctor on Sunday said that she is truly a miracle to have made it this far and she is my hero."

I miss that feeling so much, but I still catch glimpses of it when I need it most.