"We Remember Them"

HAPPY 8TH MONTHS to my little angel Eden.  

It's so hard to believe that Eden was born 8 months ago today.  A day filled with such happiness and sadness all in one for me.  We are quickly approaching the day (November 5th) when Eden will be in heaven longer than she was with us on earth.  To be honest, I am a little scared for that day to come and go.  I will celebrate my 34th birthday this week and what a year it has been for me.  A year full of so much sorrow, fear, pain and grief, yet a year when our miracle was born who will help to save our family.  As I think back over my 33rd year, I can't say it was my best, but I can say it was full of great blessings and numerous examples of the Lord's love for me and my family.  Here's hoping for a less eventful 34th year.  Heck, I am getting way too old for all this excitement!

Last Friday evening Phoenix Children's Hospital hosted their annual "We Remember Them" memorial service for all of the children that have passed away there.  Of course we were happy to attend and honor Eden.  Both sets of grandparents and my newlywed sister and her husband accompanied us as well.  I thought it was a very nice tribute to our children through song and words.  They also had a slideshow presentation of many of the children and of course that was so emotional for me when Eden's photo flashed on the screen.  I miss her so much and my heart ache for her.  We took the girls with us and I do not think we will do that again until they are older.  Both kept asking when we would see Eden and get to bring her home.  They did however have the opportunity to decorate a paper balloon for Eden and at the end of the program all of the siblings in the audience brought their balloons to the front where they will be put in a time capsule.  Yet another emotional moment to see all of the children who have lost a brother or sister.

It's amazing how life moves on and there are days when I think "did this even happen?"  It's almost like a dream at times.  I wish I could tell everyone I meet about Eden and that there really is another member to our family.  The reality though is that most people will never know our story and over time I will be okay with that.  I have learned that you never know what someone is going through just by looking at them.  When I am asked "how are you?", no matter who asks me, my usual response is "fine, good, or okay."  Strangers might even think, "wow, that lady doesn't have any problems."  The truth is, we never know!  I give generic answers in leu of telling them how I really feel.  Life goes on and I do my day to day routine, but my heartache never goes away.  I think part of moving on is learning how to live with the heartache because I am not sure it ever fully goes away.  The hole in my heart that I felt when Eden died is like a scar.  The pain gets less and less over time until it's almost unnoticeable.  However, the scar is present none the less and will never fade to nothing.

A few parents were asked to give remarks at the memorial and one mother who lost her son at 2 days old said it so well and I quote:

I wish to touch you but I cannot

I wish to look at you but I cannot

I wish to kiss you but I cannot

Now my great yearning for you is that you will be a good angel who cares for us and remembers us.  Four months was so little time to enjoy you, but you gave so much happiness to my soul.  There is no greater pride for our family than having had you.  I will never be able to repay you for having come into my life."

I love you Eden and wish you all the happiness you deserve cradled in our Heavenly Father's arms.