Finally, Another Male in the Ridgway Family!

No, I am NOT pregnant!  However, for Christmas the girls got a puppy and he is a male.  We have named him Finley Coconut Ridgway and he is a bundle of fluff and fun!  He is a Havanese, which is a non-shedding, non-smelling, good with children dog.  They are much like a Maltese.  Marcus and I drove half way to Palm Springs to pick him up from the breeder.  Marcus LOVES dogs and has wanted one for some time, but I am the sceptic.  I do have to say though, that he is darling and so well behaved so far so he is stealing my heart more and more.

Christmas was wonderful, bitter-sweet, but fabulous.  The girls excitement was contagious.  I missed Eden horribly the weeks leading up to Christmas, but I did well for the most part last week.  I just remember last year at this time thinking about how she was going to react to Christmas at almost 10 months old.  I had her stocking purchased and a dress to match her sissies.  We did spend time at her grave the week before Christmas singing her songs and telling her all about our festivities.  That seemed to ease my heart.

We did not get the girls too much this year outside of the puppy.  He stole the show on Christmas morning, for good reason!  Marcus and I received a most unexpected and amazing gift from or parents.  The two couples combined forces to purchase the headstone for Eden!  Needless to say, we were very overwhelmed.  All we have to do now is pick out what we like and fill with what we want it to say.  Our goal now is to have it complete and ready to unveil by her birthday.  We had a wonderful week spending time with family and friends and trying to focus on the birth of our Savior, for He has given us so much this year!

The girls tree in the great room.  Emerson was so tired, but Ainsley is always ready for a photo-

 op!

I love our "fancy" tree and I think Marcus does a fabulous job on it.  He really does the entire thing himself, he even goes shopping for the supplies on his own!

All decked out in the Christmas dresses.

Enjoying the Christmas lights at the Mesa LDS Temple.

Ainsley is so thrilled, but Emerson is a bit shocked!  She kept saying, "A real, live puppy!"

Look at Emerson's face.  Priceless.

He was passed back and forth like a hot potato!

What a cute little fluff ball with tons of energy.

Still hugging and holding him.  Yes, they were fighting over him within 5 minutes.

A dream come true for any child!

It would be a shame to let his feet actually touch the ground!

"But mom, I think he coldy, coldy."

Finally a moment to rest in my new bed.

Now that is one tired little puppy!

We wish all of you a very happy, healthy and safe New Year.

Have You Been to Heaven?

I wanted to share a conversation that Ainsley and I had on Wednesday.

Dad:  Everyone in our house is sick!

Mom:  Not everyone, I am fine.

Ainsley:  Not Eden (pointing up toward the sky), she's not sick anymore.

Mom:  No, Eden will never get a cold in heaven.  She will be healthy forever now.

Ainsley:  Mom, what is heaven like?

Mom:  Well, it is very pretty with lots of flowers, trees, butterflies and happy people.

Ainsley:  Have you ever been there?

Mom:  Not that I can remember, but at our church we believe that we lived in heaven with God and Jesus before we were born.  We can not remember though because when we come out of our mommy's tummy we forget.

Ainsley:  Can I look at pictures of heaven on the computer?

Mom:  I don't think anyone has pictures from heaven.

Ainsley:  I have an idea!  We could send Eden a camera in heaven, she could take some pictures and then send the camera back to us.  That's how we could see heaven!

Mom:  Wouldn't that be wonderful if we could do that!

I love my Ainsley for her logical thinking and simple faith.  Oh, to be a child again!

The Life of a Princess

The life of a princess is not easy I am sure, but my girls do it oh so well!

They absolutely LOVE to play dress up and strut around in their princess attire all day, every day.  It is all I can do to convince them that we don't wear our princess dresses to church.  In their mind no outfit is complete with out shoes, purse and of course, the crown!

Last week at their gymnastics class they were exceptionally good so I told them they could choose what we would have for lunch.  They decided on my homemade buttermilk pancakes and this time Ainsley wanted to try them green.  I have never put food coloring in my pancakes and they thought it was so cool.  In fact Ainsley even told me that I was "awesome!"  So, for lunch one day last week we had green pancakes and chocolate milk.  A real treat for both me and the girls.

A true princess!

She loves the camera!

Ready for the ball.

Lip smackin' good!

It really was a tasty lunch if I do say so myself.

A few days ago we had our family pictures taken.  Every few minutes Ainsley would ask the photographer, who is a family friend, if he would take only her picture.  She had about 3 of her own photo shoots and she posed like a true professional the entire time.  I do not know where she learned this, but she LOVES the camera.  In fact, just yesterday she told me that getting family pictures was so fun she wants to do it again real soon.  "But this time," she said "can he take lots more pictures of just me and not the rest of you?"

We seem to be talking more and more as a family about Eden.  It must be that we are all missing her terribly during Christmas time.  On Wednesday night, right after saying "amen" from our family prayer Ainsley yelled "I just heard Eden's voice?"  Marcus and I were a little puzzled, but asked her what she said, "She said, Ainsley I love you."  Ainsley is one special little girl and I do not doubt that she hears Eden whisper to her from time to time.  

We miss you and love you little Eden and hope you stay close during Christmas!

Tis the Season

As the Holiday season goes, I would feel ungrateful if I did not write down a few of my blessings.  I really do feel so blessed and despite the challenge we faced this year, I am grateful for so many things.

1.  I married my best friend and literally the "man of my dreams!"  Our story is one for the ages and I tell people all the time that marrying Marcus is a dream come true for me.  I love him now more than ever and I am so thankful that the Lord blessed us with a strong relationship to not only weather, but to become closer during our trials.

2.  I love my girls and I am humbled each day to be their mother.  Ainsley definitely keeps me on my toes and although it is difficult to parent her at times because she is so intelligent, I believe she makes me a better person.  Her smile melts my heart and her laughter is contagious.  Emerson is a ray of sunshine in our home and no matter what mood I am in, she ALWAYS lifts my spirits.  She is always up for some fun and will dance to any music, even hymns in church.  When you've got rhythm you have to shake it, I guess.  She loves life and keeps the rest of us from being too high strung.  Eden, although with us on earth for only a short time taught us to cherish our "little moments."  She reminds me every day that I am part of an eternal family and that the Lord really is mindful of me.  She was an example of strength that far reaches any I have known.

3.  I LOVE my parents.  They have done more for me over the years than I deserve.  I can say without hesitation that I was blessed with excellent parents who taught me through word and example and who have never faltered in their support or love for me.  I hope to be the mom to my children that my mother was to me.

4.  I feel privileged to have good friends.  I have never been one to have really close friends, but as I get older and wiser, I realize that my friends are essential to my happiness and they are closer to me than I previously admitted.

Of course, my list could go on forever, but I want you all to know that although I have good and bad days, I still have a thankful heart.  I know I am blessed and I know that Christ loves me.  Life isn't easy, we all know that, but my challenges seem lighter when I strive to be positive.

We worked all weekend to put up the Christmas decorations.  Really, I can not take any credit because all I do is clean, Marcus puts everything up and arranges it BEAUTIFULLY.  We really love to go all out at Christmas and he sure has an eye for decorating.  IT was so nice having him home for one extra day as well.

Emerson has a couple of new sayings.  She loves to say "that's pathetic!"  If I drop something or don't match her clothes just right (she is a fashionista!) then I hear it, "that's pathetic mommy!"  We also do not have hair do's in our house because according to Emmy, the are "hair dudes!"  Gotta  love them.  

Today, I Cry

It is amazing how my emotions can creep up on me.

Most of the time now, I feel like I am doing fairly well, but there are  moments, long and short, that I am beside myself with grief, pain, anger and heartache.  Today has been one of those moments.  The ironic thing is that there is no particular reason why I should be missing her so much today more than any other day.  On my difficult days, I seem to be surrounded by families, children and babies, all of whom appear to be without worries, cares or concerns.  I know this is not true, but the mind can be so tricky.  I do not wish this experience of losing a child on anyone because as a parent you feel like you are alone on an island even when you are surrounded by so many that love you.  When I cry, people look and they know why and it's an awkward silence.

I have thought many times lately that since we are in the season of thanksgiving, I should be more grateful, humble and focus on my blessings.  However, the carnal human side, the little red devil on my shoulder, makes me think "How was I blessed by having my baby die?"  "Why didn't my miracle come like I wanted?"  I pled with the Lord like everyone else, "Why did it have to end this way?"  "Why are the days not getting easier and my heart not hurting less?"  Then I am reminded that the Lord knows all and has a plan for our family.  It might be a very different plan than I had in mind, but I do not know everything as He does.  It is these moments that I believe help me to move forward an inch more and rekindle the happiness that once filled my soul.  I used to be a carefree, happy go lucky laugh at the world sort of person.  Now I am more somber, serious with much on my mind.  I am changed and forever will be, but that does not have to be a bad thing.  I can become whomever I decide to be so tomorrow I will put on a happy face and smile at those I pass.  This is what Eden would want, this is what Eden deserves.

My Sweet Eden,

Mommy wants to tell you how much I love you.  Not a moment goes by that I do not think of you or picture your sweet face in my mind.  If only I would have savored more the nine months we had, just the two of us.  I would have worried less and pondered more.  I would have spent more time talking with you and filling you in on our family.  I neglected to do so because I thought we had a lifetime to get to know each other.  I am sorry for this now.  I hope you know how special you are to me and our family.  You were definitely an angel that graced our presence.  Thank you for choosing me as your mother.  Your sisters love you and talk about you daily.  It makes me happy to know that you are happy and whole in the Savior's arms because I fear that your life on earth, if it had continued would not have been so carefree.  Stay close to your little family and do not ever be afraid to grace us with your heavenly spirit when the mood is just right.

I love you forever,

Mommy

Happy, Happy Birthday

Happy 4th birthday to my sweet, caring Ainsley Elizabeth

4 years old and playing soccer.

3 years.  She LOVES doggies!

2 1/2 in their Easter dresses.  They are fast friends.

16 mos.  The day that Emerson was born in her much loved Nemo jammies (it was so hard to get her out of them every morning).

9 mos and just learning to walk.  Since birth she has thought she's older than she really is.

6 mos.  Look at that hair!

4 mos.  She loved frozen carrots while she was teething.

The day she was born.  Her eyes were that wide the minute she came out and they didn't close most of the day.

Isn't she beautiful!  My Ainsley has always been wiser and more thoughtful than her years.  I thank her for teaching me how to be a mother and for making me laugh every day.  She loves to learn and has a memory like no other.  She is also a very kind, thoughtful and caring soul who is always concerned about me, Marcus and her sissies.  Not a prayer is said without mentioning Eden and if we forget she reminds us without delay.  I love my princess and wish her a wonderful year!

A Day in the Life

I just thought I would catch up with a few photos and such.  Nothing earth shattering, but I will take that for a change.  I do need to elaborate though on the medical bills statement I made a few posts back.  I am sure you all remember me telling you that Eden had surpassed her lifetime maximum payout with our private insurance and we were left with approximately $400,00.00 in medical bills.  Obviously, this hung over my head like an enormous, heavy weight.  I applied for state help (AHCCCS) because that is where I was directed to pay remaining bills for a deceased child.  We were promptly denied on account of a "verified deceased participant."  Since that day I made 10 phone calls trying to get someone to help me understand the decision and never received one return phone call!  Yes, I am still upset over how Eden's case was handled.  However, in the meantime Phoenix Children's Hospital sent us a Charity Application to fill out and submit with tax returns, back statement and property value information.  I received a phone call, on my birthday none the less, to tell me that our application through PCH was accepted and they have covered ALL of our Phoenix Children's bills 100%.  WOW!!!  This is a $360,000.00 account.  I am now working with the remainder of the providers to reduce our bills or have them written off.  I have found that most of Eden's providers have a charity application process, it is just not well known because they will take insurance money over anything.  It has really been a blessing for us to be forgiven of so many medical bills.  I will honestly say that I sleep better at night and I feel like I have been able to move forward a little in my grieving because of this.  Yet another tender mercy from our Lord!

 

Introducing 9 new members of our family, all named Ariel :)  As if we did not have enough eggs, Marcus wants the girls to learn about money and budgeting so the chickens and their eggs will be their little business.  Seven of them will lay eggs (4 green and 3 brown) and two are "friers".  That's right, Marcus will raise them to kill and eat them.  We are becoming quite the little farm family!

Me with my mom and dad on my birthday.  I LOVe my parents and I believe I am the luckiest gal in the world because I have AMAZING parents.  Anyone who knows them will agree!

Ainsley petting a goat on their class field trip to a farm.  You guessed it, Marcus came with us just to be on a farm again.  I think he's homesick!

Emerson was much happier petting the bunny.  I think she prefers animals that are smaller than her and don't have the potential to bite her or step on her!

We really are the ice cream family.  Some of my fondest memories as a child are of my family going to "Thrifty" for ice cream.  I am taking the photo, but yes I have a big cone as well :)  I LOVE my ice cream!

The Lord has truly blessed our family and although we still have difficult days, we thank Heavenly Father everyday for the opportunity and blessing that it was to have Eden with us on earth for her 4 months of life and how grateful we are to know that she will be a part of our family for all eternity!  We are blessed!