Does Finley look comfortable or what? As you can see he fits right in with the family.
What little cuties. Yes, Emerson still has her binkie. I just haven't thought it important to get rid of it yet.
Finley loves to sleep on his back and he even snores. Marcus doesn't even snore!
Ainsley LOVES when its' her turn to nap with Finley, but most of the time he would rather play with her hair than rest.
For those of you that know me, you know that I am RARELY at a loss for words. However, I have not written much lately because I just don't know what to say. Life continues on like normal, as if nothing at all out of the ordinary happened to us last year. Sometimes I take great comfort in that and other times, it bothers me something fierce. I am a new person now, a different person. Some might say I am better than before, some worse, but I just say different. I will forever view the world as changed, no more rose-colored glasses I guess, and I will never look at a newborn the same again. I hear women who speak of pregnancy, childbirth and the like very nonchalant, very carefree, and that is not a bad thing. I am not one of them though and have not been since my second child Emerson, but maybe I listen to them so intently because I am jealous, envious. I can not lie, I still ask the questions, "Why have all of my births been so difficult, so life-threatening? Am I not supposed to have children? Is the next one going to be even worse?" I have to wonder as our trend has gone from bad, to worse, to horrible. Then I come back to my senses and think, "What could be worse?" and I remember that the Lord loves me and I can not deny that. Through all of the grief of losing Eden, my testimony of my Savior has grown and I can say now without a doubt that He loves me and truly guides my life. It is just so hard, for me at least, to not be in control of everything around me, but if I had complete control then where would my faith be? I still mourn, I still cry, I still get angry and overwhelmed, but six months later I am healing. I laugh more, I hug more, and I love more. Those are good things in my opinion. My love for Marcus is deeper, more complete now and I cherish Ainsley and Emerson and every moment with them. I even love our little Finley. I am really not much of a pet person, but he has been so very therapeutic for me. What a perfect addition to our family. Thank you to all of you who reach out to me with kindness and friendship, for those who don't know what to say but let me know they love me. I will forever be grateful for the friends the Lord has given me for they make the healing possible.
10 comments:
Love the pictures of the girls with Finley...too cute! They say that a dog that sleeps on his back trusts you completely. The snoring...I guess that means he is in a deep sleep :)
I did not have the pleasure of knowing you before Eden came into your life, but I do know that your faith in the Lord is very inspiring. I have witnessed the love that you and Marcus share with each other and with your girls. You guys are a beautiful, very loving, family.
I am so glad that our 'special' girls were able to bring us together and that we have been able to become friends.
I think of you and your family often Keisa...
Hugs,
Shannon
Hi Keisa! How funny I should turn on my computer and see this post, since I was just wondering (and worrying) about you moments before as I snuggled up with Gabriel before tucking him in to bed. You are in our thoughts and prayers daily and I do miss the updates and pictures, so please keep 'em coming! How's that marathon training going anyway?
Blessings,
Alex
Keisa, you do not know me except through the blog world and really I do not know you. However, I think as heart mom's maybe that gives us just a little common ground. Yet, I also do not know what it is like to lose a child, but I do know what it is like to hand them over to the surgeon and pray that they will make it through. Before Roman we had a mischarage ? spelling. I got pregnant with Roman pretty quickly and therefore did not really grieve the loss of the other child. Roman like Eden was special. We have also been asking the same question on whether or not we should have another child. I keep getting the answer that yes we should. My husband isn't really there yet. He worries that the next time might be even worst. As I was reading your post, the idea came to me that maybe sometimes Heavenly Father test us to see if we are willing to be obedient to his will. Would we be willing to get pregnant? Maybe, some would think this is cruel. Maybe these spirits are just so special they just need to be given a chance to get a body. We have some friends who have a child who is 3 yet she will not live to even her teen years because she has a rare genetic disease. One wonders why? I do not have the answers to these questions, but do know that all things happen for a reason. I know this does not make the pain any less for you. I guess what I am trying to say is that you are not alone. Heavenly Father loves you. Thank you for sharing you heart with all of us.
As I sit in the PICU, I can't help but think of you all and Eden. It doesn't feel like six month ago that we crossed paths here. I pray for your family all the time. I didn't know you before Eden, but you are AMAZING and I'm sure that part isn't different. Anytime you have a child, it changes you. When you have a child with a life threatening illness... your whole perspective on life changes. I feel more blessed these last 12 months with Owen, than I ever thought possible. It has been DIFFICULT, lots of tears have been shed, but I am a completly different person. I love the person I am now even MORE than before.
You were meant to be a mother and have children. Heavenly Father knows that you can handle the challenges he is giving you because you have faith and a wonderful man standing by your side.
Always thinking of you!
Andrea
I'm telling you...this makes me want a dog again...I think a puppy this time though! Finley is so stinkin cute! Everyone needs the love from and animal!
Did you ever get your pics back from Disneyland? I keep looking out for them.
I have to admit that I do sometimes not know the right words to say, but I hope you do know that we pray for you, we love you. I too am forever changed, I look at everything different. I've learned that we're not here to just get through life and have fun. We here to be changed, and how blessed are we that we have been given opportunities to see that. You are just stronger than most of us, whether you know it or not. You have been used to bless the lives of so many people, us included, and I'm sure that your reward will be great. Thank you for being so honest and open..
Hi Keisa,
Joe and I think of your little family so often and are amazed at what you have been asked to endure in your short time together. I have always thought that the most valiant of Heavenly Father's children were given the most challenging set of obstacles to overcome. You have kept the faith and love the Lord, despite your heartaches. So many people struggle with their testimonies, their marriages, and their spiritual well-being in times like these. Hold on. Great blessings await, to be sure. You are both awesome examples to the rest of us.
You and I have never met...but our lives have had similar heartache. My cousin told me about your blog. We just lost our son on October 19th 2008 to a rare (1 in a million) Surfactant Deficiency. His body did not know how to utilize the Surfactant to keep his lungs inflated. We had to remove him from his life support on October 19th and he passed away in our arms. The last 4 months have seemed like years, and it seems like the world has forgotten my son and that we have 2 children. They told us that our chances of that happening again are "negligble" but I am still petrified... not to mention I have to wait a year due to my C-Section complications. So many of the emotions that you have described I have felt! It is so good to know that I am not crazy! I would love to be able to communicate with you through email! I too am LDS and would be lost without my faith! We have a blog and I would love to invite you too it! If you would like my email is ashley_larsen2@hotmail.com! God Bless in your healing! I hope to hear from you!
Ashley
Such sweet pictures, Keisa. I know how you feel about everything...I often feel the same way. Emily regressed to sucking her thumb after Luke was born and I can't push her to stop as it is a comfort thing for her. I also understand the feeling that you aren't better or worse, just different. As moms of angels, we will never be the same. Part of our hearts are in heaven and we miss them terribly. We have had an experience that no parents should endure. But I am so thankful to have found other moms like you who have used their experiences to grow in their faith. God bless you and your beautiful family!
Bernie
I found your blog through another heart baby's blog. I too am a heart mom. My husband and I would like to thank you for your thoughts and words that you have written. Our sweet baby girl Kaiya earned her angel wings on November 12th. She had HRHS. It has been comforting to know that others have had the same thoughts and feelings that we have had. I too have had many questions that will not be answered in this life. But I do know that our lives have forever been changed, and that we too look at life in a whole different way.
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