Emersonisms

I just have to share what my little Emerson has said the last couple of days. I hope they make you chuckle because Marcus and I got a good laugh from them.

Emerson LOVES to play Rock Band and her favorite song is "Eye of the Tiger." Well, on Sunday night she had the microphone out, without the game on, and was singing the chorus. Sing along in your head: "Eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight. Rising up to the challenge of the RHINO!" That's right, not a rival, but a rhino for her. I guess that's as big a rival as any :)

I will preface this by saying that Marcus and I do not discuss politics much at all, at least around the girls. Last night Emerson saw a picture of President Obama and said, "Dad, I know who that is!" "Who?" Marcus responded. "Silly dad, that's president O'Vomit." I guess they do sort of sound alike.

You have to love children for the simply darling, innocent things they say. How thankful I am for mine and how they keep me laughing!

San Fran Get Away

Marcus and I took a trip last weekend to San Francisco and had a fabulous time. Thanks to my wonderful mother for taking the girls for 5 days were had our first couple get away since before Eden was born. It was much needed and so fun. San Fran in one of our favorite get away destinations and the weather was perfect. We did TONS of walking through the city, much too much eating and lots of relaxing. We even slept in until 8:30 a couple of morning and that is a treat in itself!

We made daily trips to Ghirardelli's for either chocolate samples or my favorite, ice cream. I have LOVED mint chocolate chip since I was 3 years old.

Riding the trolley cars through town on a rainy afternoon. It only rained one afternoon, but it was so nice since we NEVER see rain here!

Traipsing through China Town, belly and all!

Marcus and I walked to the entire other side of the bay (6 miles) for dinner and this was the view. The restaurant is in the background on the left - The Cliff House.

If you look you can see the Golden Gate Bridge in the right background.

The view at night from our hotel room overlooking the Ferry Plaza and the Bay Bridge.

We really had a fantastic time and it was so nice to "reconnect" for a few days with no distractions. It reminds you just how much you not only love, but like the person you marry.

It's Official

Well, it is official now!

As some of you might know, I am a schedule your delivery kind of girl. In other words I have c-sections! I LOVE them and I love being able to schedule and plan in advance. I had yet another OB appointment today and we scheduled October 29, 2009 as our little ones birth day. Is it fate, who's to say. However, Marcus and I feel that it is a very fitting day as his big sister, who is preparing him right now for his journey on earth was born on the 29th as well. That's right, that is Eden's day as well. I do not know specifics of time yet, but he will arrive one day before my birthday. We also had an ultrasound today and he is measuring right on schedule weighing in at about 4.5 pounds right now. Not big I know, but I am not known for having real big babies. To be quite honest, I really don't care how big he is as long as he comes out perfectly healthy and strong. Although every test continues to come back "normal" and perfect, I still have my moments of doubt and skepticism. I am so excited though to finally have him here so get ready because in only 6 short weeks Marcus will have another man in the house!!!!!! I left the doctor realizing that I really need to get my act in gear and get things ready for his arrival. It's like it just hit me that I don't have all the time in the world and for any mom out there, we all know that 6 weeks is nothing. The ultrasound tech also told us that he has "tons of hair floating around in there." We have been told that with all of them and so far Eden took the cake for the most hair. We shall see!

If My Heart Could Talk

Although I have been quite silent lately about my feelings, my heart is screaming inside.

I do not know why I have not verbalized any of my thoughts and feelings the past few months, but it's time to write them down. It's been well over a year now since sweet Eden returned home and yet it seems like only last week. I replay in my mind constantly what I was doing last year at this time, where I was emotionally, physically and spiritually and so often I don't know how I made it through the days. It was a deep fog, a very black fog, at times (most times) almost unnavigable. Sure I woke up every morning and went about my daily routine, but I was not there. I had checked out. I was a robot. I can act though, and as we all do at times, I put on my "good face" so people could not, would not see the pain and suffering inside. Only those closest to me really noticed how not strong I really was. My sweet, wonderful mother, how she endured hours of anger, frustration, tears and silence on the phone. But she was ALWAYS there to listen and love. Now I know why I was given such an amazing woman as my mother.

If only Eden was our only trial to endure, would it have been easier? As life goes though, challenges do not only come one at a time so we added more stress and worry to our plate over matters completely different from losing a child. Time passes and somehow I have made it to today, how thankful I am for today. Memories of Eden come fewer and farther between for me now as I have another life to concern myself with. However, as I think of her less it makes me feel guilty, guilty that I am not thinking of her all the time, guilty that she is not the principal topic of all conversations now, guilty that I do not even mention her name to strangers anymore. Am I the only one? I make a conscious effort each day to not wonder "what if" things had been different, "what if " she were still alive and healthy. I try not to calculate in my head how old she would be or what she might be doing at this age. It is hard though and my success rate is mediocre at best. Because I am surrounded by families with babies her age, it is like a constant reminder. That will never change though, I have to accept our path and not fret over another's. I do miss Eden, I miss her every day and the hole in my heart is still there. I don't think it will ever go away, I am just learning to bandage it and continue forward. Life is about moving forward, getting up when you fall. I am so thankful that I have a wonderful husband who is my best friend because when my life was falling apart, WE were stronger than ever. I have an angel and I love her with all my heart. She has made me a better person, she has made our family better. I smile when I see her photo!

It's hard to believe that our little boy will be here in 2 short months. What emotions that stirs inside of me. Marcus and I both knew at the beginning of this year that we had to have another child. How scared I was to embark on this journey again, but the faith of so many family and friends filled in where my faith lacked. Crazy as it sounds, I actually felt a little guilty asking the Lord to bless us with a "healthy" baby. Most mother's ask, or even assume that, without another thought, but not me. Was I greedy to want him healthy? Was it a lack of trust? I know the answer is "no" to all of these, but experiences change your perspective. We have been blessed. He is healthy, strong and growing perfectly!! I still have my "sceptic" moments when I wonder what will go wrong before it's all over. I am slowly getting used to the notion that this time, everything about the pregnancy and delivery will be perfect. That's what I want. I want to hold my baby right after birth. I want him to sleep with me in my hospital room. I want to change his diaper. I want Marcus to sit with me as we love on him together. This is our fourth child and we have never had those moments.

He will not, could not replace Eden. This was not our purpose in having him. I am sure he is enjoying some special sibling time with her right now and I hope she is preparing him for our crazy family. More than anything as the days close in on my delivery, I hope and pray that Eden is there that day. I want to feel her close to me as her brother enters this world. She will never be in our family photos and I hate that, but as long as she is close in spirit so I can feel her. I still have nothing for "baby brother" because it's been hard to let my guard down and start shopping. The "what if" factor in my mind has been hard to overcome. I have been browsing through the aisles though and that's a start. I really am so excited to have another baby in our home. Each movement, each kick that he makes, and there are tons, brings a smile to my face. Sweet reminders that life is good, I am blessed and I am moving forward.

Growing Up!

I apologize for slacking somewhat on posting, but it has been very status quo at our house lately. I have tons of photos from our summer fun and I will dedicate a post to that in the near future. To be quite honest, I just haven't had the right words to express the flood of emotions I have on a day to day basis.

However, this post is dedicated to my Ainsley Elizabeth and the fact that she is growing up way too fast! Monday marked her first day of "big kid" school as she entered half-day kindergarten. Ainsley is still only 4 and will not be 5 until November 17th. She was originally placed in a pre-kindergarten program for any child in our district with a late birthday (Sept. 1st - Dec. 1). However, that program was cut due to budget restrictions so in leu of putting in her 4th year of preschool, we opted to test her to enter kindergarten early. She passed the test and is now in a half-day program in a neighboring school. We tell her it's a special pre-kinder class because our plan is to have her go to full-day kinder next year at our local school. We prefer that she be the oldest in her class versus the youngest.

Because the school she is attending is in a near by neighborhood, she has the chance to ride a school bus. This by far has been the highlight of her first three days! The bus picks her up and drops her off right in front of our house and she is the first one on and last one off. I am normally not a very nostalgic person, that is Marcus's job, but I have to admit that seeing her get on the bus on Monday morning brought tears to my eyes. As any parent would ,we promptly jumped in our car and followed her to school. As worried parents we fretted over everything. "Will she know where to go? Will someone be there to get her to her class? Will she be crying from fear?" We watched her from a short distance getting off the bus and all of those questions were immediately answered when she saw us. She looked at me and said "Ugh, mom what are you doing here?" Can you believe it? Kicked to the curb already! Needless to say, she is doing fine and loving her half-day program. Her new thing is that she doesn't even want me to go outside when the bus picks her up and drops her off. I was given strict instructions this morning to just stand in the door and wave. So independent for only 4 years old.

Looking so grown up!

Outside the house waiting for the bus. She insists on being outside waiting on the curb.

They are getting so big. Emerson is in her 2nd year of preschool.

The first one on that giant bus.

Away she goes - and the rope gets longer :(

All Systems Go!

On Monday we had a fetal echo of the baby's heart.  It was not necessary to do because he checked out just fine at the level II ultrasound, but if you have ever had a scary experience with one of your children being born with a problem, you check for everything.  This was the case for me.  Call me a sceptic, but I had to have the heart looked over thoroughly and completely by a pediatric cardiologist who looks at hearts all day. Overdramatic? Maybe! A was of time and money? Probably! Reassuring? Definitely! We were given the complete thumbs up that his little heart looks "as good as a heart can look." No issues, no concerns, not even a follow-up needed.  Marcus and I were so happy leaving we almost flew out the door.  I told Dr. Lindblade, one of Eden's many cardiologists, that it was so nice to she him and please tell everyone hello, but see you later and I hope I never see you again! How thankful I am that we have been blessed with a completely healthy baby. Most couple expect their baby to be nothing but perfect, but we just hope for health with our record.  We have been truly blessed!

Six and Counting

Marcus and I celebrated our six year wedding anniversary yesterday.  It's hard to believe that we have only been married for six years as it seems like so much longer.  What an amazing, difficult, challenging and rewarding six years it has been and I am so thankful that I can wake up every morning to my very best friend.  In six years we have experienced the birth of three daughters, a miscarriage, the death of an infant, half of our 4th pregnancy, financial highs, financial struggles, selling a business, starting a new company, 10 hiking trips to Grand Canyon, 7 trips to Disneyland and memories to last a lifetime.  Marcus, I love you more now than I did six years ago and I think it is because of all of our life experiences.  I am very grateful that I have you by my side as my strength, my friend and my companion.  The wonderful blessing is that through it all, we have grown closer together.  I love you and I look forward to an eternity spent with you!

On another note, last Sunday was a beautiful angel day for Eden.  It was so much nicer than I could have imagined and I thank all of you for your kind thoughts, your love and prayers.  Eden was very close to us that day and I was filled with love and comfort.  What a special little girl we were given and I will cherish her forever. Church was so nice that day in particular and our time at the cemetery with her was very sweet.  Although we miss her so much and the girls still talk of her all the time, I know she is where she needs to be and this is the Lord's plan for our family.