If My Heart Could Talk

Although I have been quite silent lately about my feelings, my heart is screaming inside.

I do not know why I have not verbalized any of my thoughts and feelings the past few months, but it's time to write them down. It's been well over a year now since sweet Eden returned home and yet it seems like only last week. I replay in my mind constantly what I was doing last year at this time, where I was emotionally, physically and spiritually and so often I don't know how I made it through the days. It was a deep fog, a very black fog, at times (most times) almost unnavigable. Sure I woke up every morning and went about my daily routine, but I was not there. I had checked out. I was a robot. I can act though, and as we all do at times, I put on my "good face" so people could not, would not see the pain and suffering inside. Only those closest to me really noticed how not strong I really was. My sweet, wonderful mother, how she endured hours of anger, frustration, tears and silence on the phone. But she was ALWAYS there to listen and love. Now I know why I was given such an amazing woman as my mother.

If only Eden was our only trial to endure, would it have been easier? As life goes though, challenges do not only come one at a time so we added more stress and worry to our plate over matters completely different from losing a child. Time passes and somehow I have made it to today, how thankful I am for today. Memories of Eden come fewer and farther between for me now as I have another life to concern myself with. However, as I think of her less it makes me feel guilty, guilty that I am not thinking of her all the time, guilty that she is not the principal topic of all conversations now, guilty that I do not even mention her name to strangers anymore. Am I the only one? I make a conscious effort each day to not wonder "what if" things had been different, "what if " she were still alive and healthy. I try not to calculate in my head how old she would be or what she might be doing at this age. It is hard though and my success rate is mediocre at best. Because I am surrounded by families with babies her age, it is like a constant reminder. That will never change though, I have to accept our path and not fret over another's. I do miss Eden, I miss her every day and the hole in my heart is still there. I don't think it will ever go away, I am just learning to bandage it and continue forward. Life is about moving forward, getting up when you fall. I am so thankful that I have a wonderful husband who is my best friend because when my life was falling apart, WE were stronger than ever. I have an angel and I love her with all my heart. She has made me a better person, she has made our family better. I smile when I see her photo!

It's hard to believe that our little boy will be here in 2 short months. What emotions that stirs inside of me. Marcus and I both knew at the beginning of this year that we had to have another child. How scared I was to embark on this journey again, but the faith of so many family and friends filled in where my faith lacked. Crazy as it sounds, I actually felt a little guilty asking the Lord to bless us with a "healthy" baby. Most mother's ask, or even assume that, without another thought, but not me. Was I greedy to want him healthy? Was it a lack of trust? I know the answer is "no" to all of these, but experiences change your perspective. We have been blessed. He is healthy, strong and growing perfectly!! I still have my "sceptic" moments when I wonder what will go wrong before it's all over. I am slowly getting used to the notion that this time, everything about the pregnancy and delivery will be perfect. That's what I want. I want to hold my baby right after birth. I want him to sleep with me in my hospital room. I want to change his diaper. I want Marcus to sit with me as we love on him together. This is our fourth child and we have never had those moments.

He will not, could not replace Eden. This was not our purpose in having him. I am sure he is enjoying some special sibling time with her right now and I hope she is preparing him for our crazy family. More than anything as the days close in on my delivery, I hope and pray that Eden is there that day. I want to feel her close to me as her brother enters this world. She will never be in our family photos and I hate that, but as long as she is close in spirit so I can feel her. I still have nothing for "baby brother" because it's been hard to let my guard down and start shopping. The "what if" factor in my mind has been hard to overcome. I have been browsing through the aisles though and that's a start. I really am so excited to have another baby in our home. Each movement, each kick that he makes, and there are tons, brings a smile to my face. Sweet reminders that life is good, I am blessed and I am moving forward.

Growing Up!

I apologize for slacking somewhat on posting, but it has been very status quo at our house lately. I have tons of photos from our summer fun and I will dedicate a post to that in the near future. To be quite honest, I just haven't had the right words to express the flood of emotions I have on a day to day basis.

However, this post is dedicated to my Ainsley Elizabeth and the fact that she is growing up way too fast! Monday marked her first day of "big kid" school as she entered half-day kindergarten. Ainsley is still only 4 and will not be 5 until November 17th. She was originally placed in a pre-kindergarten program for any child in our district with a late birthday (Sept. 1st - Dec. 1). However, that program was cut due to budget restrictions so in leu of putting in her 4th year of preschool, we opted to test her to enter kindergarten early. She passed the test and is now in a half-day program in a neighboring school. We tell her it's a special pre-kinder class because our plan is to have her go to full-day kinder next year at our local school. We prefer that she be the oldest in her class versus the youngest.

Because the school she is attending is in a near by neighborhood, she has the chance to ride a school bus. This by far has been the highlight of her first three days! The bus picks her up and drops her off right in front of our house and she is the first one on and last one off. I am normally not a very nostalgic person, that is Marcus's job, but I have to admit that seeing her get on the bus on Monday morning brought tears to my eyes. As any parent would ,we promptly jumped in our car and followed her to school. As worried parents we fretted over everything. "Will she know where to go? Will someone be there to get her to her class? Will she be crying from fear?" We watched her from a short distance getting off the bus and all of those questions were immediately answered when she saw us. She looked at me and said "Ugh, mom what are you doing here?" Can you believe it? Kicked to the curb already! Needless to say, she is doing fine and loving her half-day program. Her new thing is that she doesn't even want me to go outside when the bus picks her up and drops her off. I was given strict instructions this morning to just stand in the door and wave. So independent for only 4 years old.

Looking so grown up!

Outside the house waiting for the bus. She insists on being outside waiting on the curb.

They are getting so big. Emerson is in her 2nd year of preschool.

The first one on that giant bus.

Away she goes - and the rope gets longer :(

All Systems Go!

On Monday we had a fetal echo of the baby's heart.  It was not necessary to do because he checked out just fine at the level II ultrasound, but if you have ever had a scary experience with one of your children being born with a problem, you check for everything.  This was the case for me.  Call me a sceptic, but I had to have the heart looked over thoroughly and completely by a pediatric cardiologist who looks at hearts all day. Overdramatic? Maybe! A was of time and money? Probably! Reassuring? Definitely! We were given the complete thumbs up that his little heart looks "as good as a heart can look." No issues, no concerns, not even a follow-up needed.  Marcus and I were so happy leaving we almost flew out the door.  I told Dr. Lindblade, one of Eden's many cardiologists, that it was so nice to she him and please tell everyone hello, but see you later and I hope I never see you again! How thankful I am that we have been blessed with a completely healthy baby. Most couple expect their baby to be nothing but perfect, but we just hope for health with our record.  We have been truly blessed!

Six and Counting

Marcus and I celebrated our six year wedding anniversary yesterday.  It's hard to believe that we have only been married for six years as it seems like so much longer.  What an amazing, difficult, challenging and rewarding six years it has been and I am so thankful that I can wake up every morning to my very best friend.  In six years we have experienced the birth of three daughters, a miscarriage, the death of an infant, half of our 4th pregnancy, financial highs, financial struggles, selling a business, starting a new company, 10 hiking trips to Grand Canyon, 7 trips to Disneyland and memories to last a lifetime.  Marcus, I love you more now than I did six years ago and I think it is because of all of our life experiences.  I am very grateful that I have you by my side as my strength, my friend and my companion.  The wonderful blessing is that through it all, we have grown closer together.  I love you and I look forward to an eternity spent with you!

On another note, last Sunday was a beautiful angel day for Eden.  It was so much nicer than I could have imagined and I thank all of you for your kind thoughts, your love and prayers.  Eden was very close to us that day and I was filled with love and comfort.  What a special little girl we were given and I will cherish her forever. Church was so nice that day in particular and our time at the cemetery with her was very sweet.  Although we miss her so much and the girls still talk of her all the time, I know she is where she needs to be and this is the Lord's plan for our family.

Eden's Angel Day

It is finally here, the one year anniversary of Eden's passing.  Here is an excerpt from last year;s post describing the event:

At 1:31 am on July 5th, Eden Grace Ridgway passed away.  She was surrounded by those who loved her most, I was blessed to hold her and sing to her my favorite primary song as she passed from me, her father on earth, to her Father in Heaven.  

I like to look for rainbows whenever there is rain

and ponder on the beauty of an earth made clean again.

I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain.

I want to be the best I can and live with God again.

I know when I am baptized my wrongs are washed away

and I can be forgiven and improve myself each day.

I want my life to be as clean as earth right after rain

I want to be the best I can and live with God again.

We called grandparents to meet us at the hospital and around 11:00pm on July 4th we gathered in her room.  We started with a prayer by Keisa's father after which my dad gave me a Father's Blessing.  The three of us (Paul, my dad and me) then gave a blessing to Eden.  In the prayer I blessed her and released her from her mortal body so she would be free from pain and suffering, to live in peace with God until we are all reunited once again as an eternal family.  We then started to disconnect some of her medications but left those that would keep her comfortable and pain free.  All of the grandparents took turns holding her after which Keisa and I held our little girl for a time.  When it felt right, Keisa handed Eden to me and we extubated her and she quickly passed gracefully and beautifully in my arms.

The Spirit in the room was amazing and we knew what we had done was Father's will.  It was so difficult to see our baby girl leave us, but we know it will be for a short time in comparison to eternity and that we will see her again.  We were so happy she was no longer in pain.  She had reached a point in the evening that it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep her comfortable because of her condition and everyone knew it was time to let her go.  

We arrived home around 4:00 am and were soon awakened at 6:00 am by our early riser, Ainsley. It's nice to know that the world keeps turning and things continue on regardless of what we are going through.  We are so tired yet we have so much to figure out.  We know that through the Savior's Atonement we are comforted and strengthened. We feel this now more than ever before in our lives and are thankful to know that the Plan of Salvation is real.

It was without a doubt the most spiritual experience of my life that night and I am so thankful that my Heavenly Father made something so very difficult so peaceful and spiritual as well.  I am amazed at how much I learned from one single evening.  I learned that the Lord never leaves us alone.  This does not mean that he takes all of our trials, challenges, pain and anguish away from us for He does not, but He will help us through them if we search for Him and allow the Spirit into our lives.  I learned that I love my husband and companion more than I ever thought possible.  He is an amazing man and I believe that God gave him to me to carry me through difficult trials like this one.  I learned that life is precious and every moment should be seen as sacred and treasured.  

I miss my Eden something fierce, but I know that she is happy, healthy and safe in the arms of the Lord.  I know that I will see her again.  Today is for her and the wonderful addition she is to our family, it is for her memory and the special moments we shared.

We love you Eden!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARKIE B

Today is my sweethearts 39th birthday and I have to admit that I got a winner!  I waited a long time for someone like Marcus to come along and I tell him all the time that he is my knight in shining armor.  I am so thankful to have my very best friend in the world as my husband and companion.  Thank you Marcus for your strength when I am weak and for your support when I falter.  Thank you for treating me like a true princess and making me feel like the most beautiful woman in the room. Thank you for being an amazing father, the girls adore you more than life itself.  I love you Marcus and I wish you a very happy, prosperous year.  I am so thankful that I have you to travel through life's journey with, for I could not survive all the "bumps" in the road without you by my side.  I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!

Here are a few facts about Marcus:

• He was a very accomplished juniors and high school tennis player.
• He was state champion in FFA (Future Farmers of America) for Dairy Cow Judging and Public Speaking/Interviewing.
• He served a mission for our church in Helsinki, Finland.
• He is a closet chef, he LOVES to cook.
• He was a professional fly fishing guide at Robert Redford's Sundance Resort.
• He started, owned and franchised a frozen custard (very rich ice cream) shop.
• He passed the L-SAT.
• He passed the M-CAT.
• He graduated from ASU with a degree in Communication - Conflict Negotiation.
• He is an entrepreneur at heart starting his first business at age 5 (polishing and selling rocks).
• He owns a successful real estate management company to date.
• He is a plumber, gardener, farmer, handy man, mechanic, electrician extraordinaire at our house.
• He loves me better than I could have dreamed possible.
• He treats his children so well that the cry every day when he leaves for work.

Marcus, I am proud to be your wife.  You truly are the love of my life!!!!!

ALREADY?!?!?

Is it really "that week" already?

I can not believe that this is the week of Eden's anniversary.  It has come so fast, but passed so slow at the same time.  It's hard for me to know what or how to think most of the time as we lead up to Sunday, the 5th.  However, I really want to make it a more happy day than a sad one and I want to focus on the wonderful memories of Eden that we all still talk about.  Of course I miss her terribly and I wish that it could have been different.  But, if I truly believe that the Lord has a plan for me and my family, than I have to be comforted in the fact that this was the Lord's will and it was the best thing for her and our family.  I might not know the full extent of His plan until much later in life, or not even until the next life, but I can not deny that He watches over our family.

You might remember me talking about the very last Tuesday I had with Eden, it was a marvelous day.  She was not progressing at all, in fact she was beginning to decline.  I had a very frank discussion with one of her doctors that day and it was not positive.  When she and I were finally alone, I stood over her bed and for the first time in weeks she was so very alert and focused.  She looked right at me and we "talked" for more than an hour.  I told her everything going on at home and how much her sisters loved her.  I told her that I was trying to be strong and make the right decisions for her.  Most of the time, I just told her that I was so proud of her and that I loved her so very much.  At that moment, I KNOW that she knew me and felt my love for her.  She drifted off after that and was never really conscious again.  I did not know it that day, but I would never see her little eyes open again.  I wish I would have stayed and talked longer, however I thank my Father in Heaven every day for giving me that special time with her.  I believe that both Eden and the Lord knew that the end was close and this was a "tender mercy" from him to comfort me.  A memory that I will always cherish.

The journey is a rough one, definitely a dirt road, and the road to peace and recovery is so long.  But it has been a good year and I am a better person because of Eden.  Our family is stronger and Marcus and I have a better relationship.  These are blessings that I am thankful to have.  I am grateful for all of you as well for sustaining me and lifting me through to darkest of days and for letting me grieve as I need.

I went back to my posts from this week last year and here is what I said last year on Tuesday:

"It always amazes me that although I am at my breaking point with inner turmoil, as soon as I enter her room I am filled with a very calm, peaceful, loving feeling. I pray daily that the Lord's sweetest angels are attending her right now and giving her the comfort that I can not always provide. Her doctor on Sunday said that she is truly a miracle to have made it this far and she is my hero."

I miss that feeling so much, but I still catch glimpses of it when I need it most.