The Fifth

It's the date that I wish we could skip every month.

It is difficult working through today as it was one month ago exactly that Eden passed away. I dreaded the 5th arriving as I know all too clearly what it represents and it is painful. However, I hope that my feelings of hurt, pain and emptiness that come with this day will be replaced in the future with thoughts of happiness and gratitude that this was the day that Eden was freed from all of her pain and hurt and her body was whole again. It's hard to do right now, but time is a master healer and I know it will come one day. In many ways this month has flown by, but more so I feel like it has been much longer than a month ago. Maybe that is because we really did not "have" our Eden in all of her fulness for quite some time before she passed. Right before her second surgery she was so very sick and therefore heavily medicated and the two weeks that she lived after surgery she was again heavily medicated and never completely alert. I will never forget though, the Tuesday before she passed and the "tender mercy" that the Lord gave to me. It was my day to be with her at the hospital and her nurse just did not want to medicate her too much that day for some reason. For the first time in oh so long and what I found out later would be the last time on this earth, Eden had her eyes open and she was alert, watchful and tuned into me. I stood at her bedside for almost 2 hours and just talked with her. I looked into her eyes and felt as if she was really listening to and understanding me. I stroked her hair and face memorizing once again every one of her tiny features. It was like our mother-daughter bond was once again re-kindled. We talked and talked all without her making a sound and I kissed her little eyes over and over again, just because I could as they had been swollen shut for so long. I remember leaving her after she drifted to sleep with the happiest feeling in my heart that I'd had in quite some time. I did not recognize it then, but I now know that this experience was another blessing from the Lord that I will always cherish.

Despite the date and all the memories that flood back to my mind, I do not want to be sad today. I want to honor Eden and I know that she does not want me to be sad, angry or bitter. I hope to use this day as a reminder to live a little better, endure with more strength and love unselfishly as that is what Eden did. I love Eden and think of her daily and I thank the Lord for allowing me to be her mother. It is truly an honor!

Thank you to each of you as well for all of your "tender mercies." All of the prayers, cards, flowers, goodies, services and donations in Eden's memory make it possible for us to carry on and move forward. We use the analogy that it is like we have dropped a porcelain doll and it is shattered into thousands of pieces. Sometimes picking up the pieces isn't too hard because they are big and easy to find. However other times we just can't find the pieces and we sit on the floor and wonder "how am I going to put this back together?" It is heaven sent when one of you helps us pick up a piece or two. I would also thank my dear husband and best friend Marcus. He has been my strength and my refuge. I admire him and thank him for he is always strong so that the rest of us can be weak. I know he hurts and I know that this is just as tragic for him and I am forever grateful that he carries me along. I love him more than ever and know that the Lord blessed me with a good man.