I find it so hard to believe that today marks the 6 month mark exactly of when I had Eden. At this time 6 months ago, we did not know how severe her little heart was and we were so full of hope and love for her. As I have stated before, I was nervous before her birth given her Down syndrome and her heart defect, but the moment I saw her that all faded away. Not that I ever want to go through something like this again, but I would do it over in a second if told this was the only way I could have my Eden. It is a bit surreal at times that I even had a baby 6 months ago and although my days are good, I feel somewhat empty and lost without the baby I should have. I still miss her terribly and I do not think that will pass soon, however I am so happy for her that she is now whole, healthy and happy and able to do everything that a child should do. I love you Eden and thank you for inspiring me to be a better mother, wife and friend. Please do not stray far from me as I need to feel your spirit close, that is what helps to ease the pain. There are times when I wonder why me, why our family, but I try to replace those thoughts with why was I so blessed with a true angel, what did I do to deserve to be the mother of such a strong, noble spirit? Life is still difficult for our little family and at times we feel so misunderstood and alone. We do appreciate all of your love, kindness and continued prayers as this is nothing that passes quickly, at least not for us.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Hard to Believe
I have mentioned our insurance concerns before and I found out that Eden did in fact exceed her 1.5 million dollar life time maximum payout. If my rough calculations are correct we are over by about $400,000.00! I have yet to receive any bills so I am not pursuing the matter, but it still weighs on my mind very heavily. I might be making a mistake by not taking action to figure it out. I just think, why stir the now silent pot...is it possible it will all just disappear?!?! One can wish. I will cross that bridge when and if I get to it and I will have to find out if there are any programs/groups that pay medical bills for a deceased child. Things to think about!
As for the girls, they are doing as well as is expected. It seems to me that they are getting a little more back to normal in that they do not fuss and cry when I drop them at the gym or at school and they do not mind when we get an occasional sitter. Let me share a few tidbits from their little minds.
Ainsley: she has become an avid bike rider and we are out at least 3 times a day to ride her bike. She still has training wheels of course, but she is speed racer. I love to watch her ride and walk alongside her, if I can keep up, but it's so darn hot right now that the mid-day rides are almost too much for me. Imagine this, a shiny purple and pink bike with princess decals and fringes on the handlebars and a basket for all of your "goodies." You are zooming (or so you think) down the street with your stylin helmet singing your favorite song of the day. That is my girl! It has taken me back to when I first learned to ride a bike, I felt so free and so empowered to go fast! Think back with me for a second, weren't those good days?!? The other day she also mentioned that she would like a really tall tree in our yard, when I asked why she said "so that I can climb it all the way to heaven to visit Eden." Boy do I love this girl!
Emerson: she can not figure out how to keep the pedals going on her tricycle so she is resigned to walking, more like running, on our outings. She loves being in school and insists on wearing her backpack to the car (5 feet) and into school (I'll give it 10 feet this time). She thinks she can swim like Ariel. I mentioned the other day that she was swimming like a fish and she very bluntly corrected me that "NO!, I swim like Ariel." I think she really believes it in her imagination. She loves going under water in the pool, but when I poor water on her hair in the tub she has a nervous breakdown. A few days ago it rained through the night and when I took the girls to school there were tons of puddles in the parking lot. I am a little bit of an anal mommy so we of course had to avoid them like the plague. When I picked them up after school the puddles were dried up and Emmy said (direct quote) "the puddle went up to heaven for Eden can jump in it!" She is still so much a part of their thoughts.
We pray that the Lord will bless you all for your service to our family. Thank you!
Posted by The Ridgway Family at 1:51 PM
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4 comments:
Though I've never had to bury a real baby, I do know something about grief and loss that reaches the very center of your soul. And you are right...that kind of grief and hurt (on top of all the stress that comes with it) does not pass quickly or easily.
You are not going crazy and nor are you just making this up. It is very real and very hard and often is simply too big and too much and too overwhelming to deal with, especially all at once. All you can do is take it one day at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time. Don't be afraid to ask for help in getting through it if you need to. It's WORTH it!
Just so you know where I'm coming from, we spent 5 years on what we affectionately call "The Hades Express" (aka trying to adopt children.) We, too, felt very alone and very misunderstood...and we stil do, even though our kids are finally home. During the waiting time, we buried several "imaginary" babies in cemeteries that only we can visit - because they only exist in our hearts. While those babies may have been "imaginary" to others, they were very real to us.
We were finally able to adopt 2 boys from Ukraine last summer. We were out of the country for 6 weeks, spent gobs more money than we could ever imagine, and went through stuff that made even the "Hades Express" look easy. At least we know the ride was appropriately named, for it really did take us straight to and through that destination...Polar Express style.
After finally returning home with our precious new children, we quickly learned there was much that we were never told and/or was simply glossed over...and other stuff we were flat out lied to about. Thanks to a rotten start in life, being exposed to things that no child should ever have to face, and a whole bunch of stuff that should have been disclosed but wasn't, both our sons have diagnosed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. One of our boys has Cerebral Palsy - again, that was not disclosed or correctly diagnosed prior to the adoption.
Even though our kids are home now and we are eternally grateful to have them here and love them to pieces, life with them has not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, much of it has felt like a raging hurricane.
Unless someone has actually lived though an experience such as this, they simply don't get it and nor do they understand how difficult it can be to pick up the pieces and move on. All they see are smiling happy people and reverent children sitting in Sacrament Meeting. They don't see what happens in real life...or what it really takes just to show up and be able to sit there with a smiling face. I also think sometimes people simply don't know what to say. They know you're hurting and they know you've been through a war zone, but they either can't or don't want to relate. So, they either say stupid stuff, or they say nothing at all, or they pepper you with questions you'd rather not answer.
As for the bills, could they really just go away? Yes, they could. It entirely possible that the hospital already wrote them off. Never underestimate the power of angels. :-)
I hope the medical bills disappear... I too have just let things go and you never know. Out of sight, out of mind! :)
I LOVE that the girls are always thinking of Eden and it's probably because they have such amazing parents!
HAPPY 6 MONTH BIRTHDAY ANGEL EDEN!!
Andrea
Wow, that last line by Emmy, had me bawling. It was so sweet.
I think of your family and Eden often. I wish you would of had more time with her. I know there is a day that you will have all that time, but it sure is rough having to wait for it.
Prayers for peacefulness.
That makes me so mad that we even have to worry about bills after our sweet babies pass away. Hopefully it will go away. Maybe the hospital could right it off. We pray for you guys. Wow, 6 months. How time seems so long yet all too short.
Heart hugs,
Emily
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