Let's Celebrate!

Let's Celebrate Eden Grace Ridgway 

2/29/08

I is so hard to believe that it has been a year already, but how VERY THANKFUL I am for February 29th, 2008 for that is the day my sweetheart Eden came to our family.  I think this picture sums it up beautifully because I see complete peace on her face.  Almost like she new that she had completed her mission in obtaining a body her on earth.  What a PERFECT little sweetie.

We are planning a birthday celebration for Eden on Saturday the 28th and we would like everyone that can to attend.  You have all been such a big part of ours and Eden's life this year and we would enjoy celebrating with you.  Our plan is to meet at the Green Acres Cemetary (northeast corner of Hayden and McKellips - at the first T take a left and at the second T take a right) at 5:30 pm where we will let off TONS of white balloons in her honor.  She will be in charge of catching them in heaven!  Please bring a white balloon or two to let fly and any artificial flowers you would like to put in the ground.

We love and cherish our Eden so much and sometimes the pain of losing her is overwhelming.  We miss her terribly, but we know that we will see her again and that brings us comfort.  I hope she knows what an impact she made in our family and how truly grateful we are to call her ours.

Seven Days

A Conversation between Marcus and Emerson:

M:  Emerson do you know what would make daddy so happy?

E:  What dada? (That is what she always calls him)

M:  If you would go in the big girl potty from now on.

E:  HAHA dada!  I am not a big girl for going in the potty.  Just for other things!

M: When will you go in the potty like sissy and be a really big girl.

E: In seven days dada.  I will go on the big girl potty in seven days!

Little does she know that the countdown has begun and I will hold her to it!

Approaching Fast

Today I am angry, sad, heartbroken, bitter, alive.

I am having a very hard time knowing that Eden's first birthday will be here at the end of the month.  I didn't think the entire month of February would be so difficult and emotionally draining for me, but I was wrong.  I am so nostalgic lately thinking about these days one short year ago leading up to her birth.  I was so frightened, nervous, excited and prepared.  I just knew that Eden was going to be very special and that she was going to change our family, but I did not know, nor did anyone, that she would be called home so very early.  Today I feel cheated! Cheated out of raising our third daughter, cheated out of my girls having a baby at home to love, cuddle and kiss, cheated out of a mother's duties with her newborn.  Cheated out of being able to breast feed my baby, I LOVE breast feeding!   The ironic thing is that I have two beautiful, healthy, thriving daughters at home that make me so happy, but still I am incomplete and my arms are empty.  I often wonder if I can really miss her since I did not even know her that well, but I think a mother knows her baby very intimately long before they are born.  Although it does me no good at all and I know it, I still lay awake at night wondering what could/would/should have been.  What would she be doing right now?  Who would she look like?  Would she have blonde or red hair?  and freckles?  Then I think of doing this all over again, having another baby.  Am I really crazy?  Would the Lord truly let something this tragic happen again to me, to our family?  All questions I can not answer and I am one who does not like unanswered questions.  I am not in charge, I know.  The Lord loves me, I know.  He has a plan for Eden and our family, I know.  Right now though, this knowledge does not ease the pain, the grief or the hurt.  Grief is ugly, downright hideous and so are the feeling that accompany it.  Even in my darkest hour, I would do it all over again if it meant having Eden as my daughter, as a member of our family. 

The Dash

copyright 1996 Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning...to the end. He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth... and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth. For it matters not, how much we own; the cars....the house...the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard... are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real, and always try to understand the way other people feel. And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile... remembering that this special dash might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy is being read with your life's actions to rehash... would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash?

Eden is a very real dash in our family, no matter how small and short it was.  How thankful I am for that dash and what it means to me.  As her special day approaches, I will be sad, I will cry and I will mourn.  But, I will also rejoice in knowing that my Heavenly Father entrusted me with a special baby whose dash has changed me forever.

Ode to Motherhood!

MOMS, please take a few moments to watch this.  It was a reminder to me that I am really not crazy after all.  It must be a mom thing!

I am sure you all felt like this is you every single day.  I know I did!  I want to let all of you mom's know just how much I admire all of you for so many reasons.  Each of you mean so much to me and I see something very special and unique in all of you which helps me to be a better mother.  Thank you for showing me through your examples what it is to be an exemplary mommy!

Quarantine

WARNING!: Do not come close to our house right now with your children!

We are in the middle of a nasty case of the vomiting, fever and chills flu.  The girls started complaining on Tuesday afternoon and before we knew it they were both sporting high fevers and vomiting every hour.  Good thing mommy was home alone to manage all of the vomit and cranky kids.  Thankfully thought I was a track runner and I could bolt them to the sink or toilet when needed and I can report that as of right now, we have had no vomit on me, the furniture, or the carpet.  Thank heaven for little silver bowls.  My WONDERFUL mom came over yesterday to help me and I am so grateful.  One was always crying for mommy some we had to trade off about every half hour.  I can say now that it's no fun at all to have both of them sick at the same time, but at least they will both recover at the same time as well and we will be done with this.  At least that is what I like to think, but I am sure I will be sick as a dog come the weekend!  It's now Thursday morning and our fevers are slight and small bits of food are being eaten without any vomiting!!!!!  One good thing about this is that I have caught up on all my Disney movies.  I counted 4 on Tuesday, 6 yesterday and we are almost done with our first of today.  More movies than they have watched in an entire year I think!

I have pictures of our trip to Disneyland, but that will have to wait until I get the house sterilized!

Loss For Words

Does Finley look comfortable or what?  As you can see he fits right in with the family.

What little cuties.  Yes, Emerson still has her binkie.  I just haven't thought it important to get rid of it yet.

Finley loves to sleep on his back and he even snores.  Marcus doesn't even snore!

Ainsley LOVES when its' her turn to nap with Finley, but most of the time he would rather play with her hair than rest.

For those of you that know me, you know that I am RARELY at a loss for words.  However, I have not written much lately because I just don't know what to say.  Life continues on like normal, as if nothing at all out of the ordinary happened to us last year.  Sometimes I take great comfort in that and other times, it bothers me something fierce.  I am a new person now, a different person.  Some might say I am better than before, some worse, but I just say different.  I will forever view the world as changed, no more rose-colored glasses I guess, and I will never look at a newborn the same again.  I hear women who speak of pregnancy, childbirth and the like very nonchalant, very carefree, and that is not a bad thing.  I am not one of them though and have not been since my second child Emerson, but maybe I listen to them so intently because I am jealous, envious.  I can not lie, I still ask the questions, "Why have all of my births been so difficult, so life-threatening?  Am I not supposed to have children?  Is the next one going to be even worse?"  I have to wonder as our trend has gone from bad, to worse, to horrible.  Then I come back to my senses and think, "What could be worse?" and I remember that the Lord loves me and I can not deny that.  Through all of the grief of losing Eden, my testimony of my Savior has grown and I can say now without a doubt that He loves me and truly guides my life.  It is just so hard, for me at least, to not be in control of everything around me, but if I had complete control then where would my faith be?  I still mourn, I still cry, I still get angry and overwhelmed, but six months later I am healing.  I laugh more, I hug more, and I love more.  Those are good things in my opinion.  My love for Marcus is deeper, more complete now and I cherish Ainsley and Emerson and every moment with them.  I even love our little Finley.  I am really not much of a pet person, but he has been so very therapeutic for me.  What a perfect addition to our family.  Thank you to all of you who reach out to me with kindness and friendship, for those who don't know what to say but let me know they love me.  I will forever be grateful for the friends the Lord has given me for they make the healing possible.

6 Months

Yesterday, the 5th, marked six months since our beautiful Eden left this earth and received her wings.  So many thoughts and feeling ran through my mind during the day and of course, there are times I still cry.  I find myself thinking about how she would look now, what she would be doing, and how my life would be with three little darlings to look after.  None the less, she is gone and we are left missing her and longing to feel her spirit as we wind through our days.  I know we will see her again and I know that she is our little girl forever, and more than anything else, this is what brings peace and comfort to my heart, mind and soul.

Yesterday was especially sad for me as some very dear friends, I call them that now although I only just met them in person last night, lost their 6 week old little girl to a heart defect and other complications.  Marcus and I went to visit them last night and just extend our love at this very difficult time.  We know all too well how they are feeling and the fog that envelops you so we just had to show we cared.  It is amazing how two little babies brought two families together to share love and friendship in life's most difficult moments.  Please join with us in praying for the Anderson family that they will feel Jersey's little spirit very close in the most challenging days ahead.

When I told Ainsley where we were headed last night and that baby Jersey had passed away, she smiled immediately and said, "I bet Eden gave her a giant hug and now they are friends and playing in heaven.  It makes me happy that Eden has baby friends in heaven."  My Ains is amazing!

We love you Eden and we miss you terribly, but we know that you are close to us.  Our hope is that we will live each day in a manner that will make you proud as you look down on us from above!