HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMERSON

Our sweet, loving, party animal Emerson turned three on Saturday the 11th.  As every mother out there knows, it is hard to believe how fast they grow up.  I really feel like we skipped her entire 2nd birthday because sadly for her it was very much overlooked with the events surrounding Eden.  This year though, we had a wonderful party for her at the park with friends and family and then another family party at my sisters house.  She loved every minute of it!  Her park party was on Friday and yesterday morning when she woke up when we sang happy birthday she quickly said, "are you kidding me again or is it my REAL birthday today?!?"  Having her party on a day other than her actual birthday must have been a bit confusing.  Today, the 12th, is a bit of an emotional day for me when thinking back to Emerson's birth because this is the day three years ago that they took her into surgery to repair her TE Fistula, her trachea and esophagus, so that she could eat, swallow and breath.  I was not with her and it was very difficult but she has thrived ever since and we have not looked back even once!  How thankful I am for Dr. Notrica and his skills to fix my little sweetheart because she is a true blessing to everyone who knows her.  I love you Emerson and I am so thankful to my Heavenly Father for sending you to our family.  Thanks for dancing EVERY time you hear music - it makes me happy!

Her favorite gift was a fish from Grammie.

All the gang waiting for cupcakes.  Now what is a party without cupcakes (personally I think it's just the frosting they are after!)

The mark of good food is how messy you get when eating.  Love you Ainsley!

Present opening is quite a sight with ten 3 and 4 year olds.

She is an absolute shoeaholic as you can tell by her expression!

Every gift was met with great excitement.

The hat says it all, she really is our party animal!

Tiptoe Through the Tulips

I have not posted in a while, not because I do not have anything to say, but because I have so much on my mind and I just don't know how best to express myself.  I feel like the Lord has blessed our little family greatly, but my heart still has a hole for my Eden.  I find myself reminiscing about the events that happened just one short year ago.  However, it does not make me sad thinking of last year, rather I am filled with love as I think of her sweet spirit.  It was contagious and so warm and comforting.

It was Eden that inspired Marcus to plant a garden and one year later I am so proud of his garden.  You will see in the pictures just what a set-up he has and boy does he dote over every single plant.  He is also wonderful with the chickens and takes great care of them.  We are getting so many eggs now that the girls now sell them for $2 a dozen.  They are learning how to pay 10% tithing to our church, save 40%, and keep the other 50% for spending.  My favorite part of the garden this year are the tulips.  They came out with such beauty and vibrance and it was a reminder to me of al of the blessings I have in life.  The road to recovery (if one ever fully recovers from losing a child) is long and difficult, but it is lined with so many wonderful things that I have to take notice.

My sweet Eden who inspired so much good in our family.  WE LOVE YOU!

Look how beautiful they are.

Beautiful tulips and TONS of lettuce.

More veggies than you could ever eat!  Look at the red cabbage plant!

All kinds of lettuce and carrots and onions.

Can you see the tiny yellow squash?

No, they are not roosters, they just have large cones but they can lay a great egg!

The trelace  is holding sweet peas, which are now done, but they were a wonderful treat!

ANNOUNCEMENT:

If you have read this far, you deserve to know that we will be welcoming another baby to our family at the end of October!  I had my first ultrasound yesterday and although we could not see details, there was a strong heartbeat and definitely a lima bean!  Last night we told the girls and they were ecstatic.  Ainsley said the family prayer before bed and popped up right after to say, "Heavenly Father told me that mommy has a baby brother in her tummy and he is perfectly healthy and strong!"  I hope and pray that this is true.

A Celebration Like No Other

Eden's birthday celebration truly was FABULOUS in every sense of the word!

Her cemetery is very beautiful and the weather was perfect.   We gathered with many of our close friends and family to remember and celebrate our angel.  We served birthday cake and ice cream and then let our white helium balloons fly.  I was the only one with a pink balloon for my baby and the girls had a mylar balloon shaped like the number one.  We sure hope that they reached heaven and that she loved each of them.  They were sent with much love and remembrance.  The highlight however was the butterfly release.  Marcus purchased 60 individually wrapped butterflies for everyone to release.  They were wrapped in pink paper with Eden’s name and birth date inscribed.  It was a most beautiful sight to see them all fluttering through the sky.  A few just lingered on her flowers or in the kids hair.  If you ask me, that was Eden’s doing to let us know she was there and loving the party.  It was a celebration in every sense of the word and truly fit for a princess.

I am so thankful and overwhelmed at all of the family and friends that came to support us and remember our princess.  It was a very difficult day and of course tears were shed.  However, her party was very happy, positive and almost spiritual.  My heart has been very content since that day and the girls are still talking about Eden's "super fun" party!

Her party table with cake, balloons and flowers.

Ainsley's butterfly just sat on her finger.  Eden was so close!

This butterfly fluttered on the bright flowers for a while!

What a beautiful sight.  Notice my pink balloon and the girls mylar?

Making their way to heaven to Eden.

So many family and friends to celebrate with us.

What a family!

Just look how loverly the sunset was.

We love you sweet Eden!

Mommy and her baby.  She is my angel!

I'm Not Ready!

As many of you know, the entire month of February has been one full of emotion for me and Marcus.  However, I am NOT READY for Friday to come.  It's just two days away and with each passing day I find myself more emotional, more nostalgic, and more heartbroken.  I miss my Eden so very much, but more than anything I think I miss the "what could have been".  Lets' be honest, I did not have more than 30 hours tops of the mommy bonding time with Eden.  It is not that easy to feel connected to your newborn when they are virtually strapped to their hospital bed with tubes and wires hanging out everywhere and a scar 6 inches long down their chest.  I try to remember the blessings, like the few times that I could nurse her before she was admitted or the 5 times I was able to change her diaper and see her little bottom or the "moment" we shared just two short days before she passed.  However, during a week like this none of those things hold a candle to the fact that she is gone and I still struggle with understanding why!  Last year at this time I was full of so many emotions, fear, anxiety, excitement, nervousness, relief because we knew that she would come to us with complications.  But, never in all of my heart and mind did I think I would be grieving her loss right now.  No doctor ever told us that there was even a slight chance that she would die.  None of that matters now though because she is gone and I have to learn how to cope, how to move forward and how to be strong.  Yes I really, truly believe that I will see her again and I will have the opportunity to raise her in heaven, but that is a VERY LONG time away and I am not that patient.  My hope is that I can be the kind of mommy that will make Eden proud.  I have much work to do to be worthy of her special spirit, but I am so very thankful that I am her mother.  It was not long enough for me here on earth, but I feel her close to me from time to time and oh how I cherish those moments.  I love Eden and I love my Ainsley and Emerson.  Being a mommy has not always been easy for me, but the best things in life are not easy.  Eden, I miss you, your daddy misses you and your sissies cry for you at night.  Please keep your spirit close to your family and know that we are trying to live worthy to be with you again.

Let's Celebrate!

Let's Celebrate Eden Grace Ridgway 

2/29/08

I is so hard to believe that it has been a year already, but how VERY THANKFUL I am for February 29th, 2008 for that is the day my sweetheart Eden came to our family.  I think this picture sums it up beautifully because I see complete peace on her face.  Almost like she new that she had completed her mission in obtaining a body her on earth.  What a PERFECT little sweetie.

We are planning a birthday celebration for Eden on Saturday the 28th and we would like everyone that can to attend.  You have all been such a big part of ours and Eden's life this year and we would enjoy celebrating with you.  Our plan is to meet at the Green Acres Cemetary (northeast corner of Hayden and McKellips - at the first T take a left and at the second T take a right) at 5:30 pm where we will let off TONS of white balloons in her honor.  She will be in charge of catching them in heaven!  Please bring a white balloon or two to let fly and any artificial flowers you would like to put in the ground.

We love and cherish our Eden so much and sometimes the pain of losing her is overwhelming.  We miss her terribly, but we know that we will see her again and that brings us comfort.  I hope she knows what an impact she made in our family and how truly grateful we are to call her ours.

Seven Days

A Conversation between Marcus and Emerson:

M:  Emerson do you know what would make daddy so happy?

E:  What dada? (That is what she always calls him)

M:  If you would go in the big girl potty from now on.

E:  HAHA dada!  I am not a big girl for going in the potty.  Just for other things!

M: When will you go in the potty like sissy and be a really big girl.

E: In seven days dada.  I will go on the big girl potty in seven days!

Little does she know that the countdown has begun and I will hold her to it!

Approaching Fast

Today I am angry, sad, heartbroken, bitter, alive.

I am having a very hard time knowing that Eden's first birthday will be here at the end of the month.  I didn't think the entire month of February would be so difficult and emotionally draining for me, but I was wrong.  I am so nostalgic lately thinking about these days one short year ago leading up to her birth.  I was so frightened, nervous, excited and prepared.  I just knew that Eden was going to be very special and that she was going to change our family, but I did not know, nor did anyone, that she would be called home so very early.  Today I feel cheated! Cheated out of raising our third daughter, cheated out of my girls having a baby at home to love, cuddle and kiss, cheated out of a mother's duties with her newborn.  Cheated out of being able to breast feed my baby, I LOVE breast feeding!   The ironic thing is that I have two beautiful, healthy, thriving daughters at home that make me so happy, but still I am incomplete and my arms are empty.  I often wonder if I can really miss her since I did not even know her that well, but I think a mother knows her baby very intimately long before they are born.  Although it does me no good at all and I know it, I still lay awake at night wondering what could/would/should have been.  What would she be doing right now?  Who would she look like?  Would she have blonde or red hair?  and freckles?  Then I think of doing this all over again, having another baby.  Am I really crazy?  Would the Lord truly let something this tragic happen again to me, to our family?  All questions I can not answer and I am one who does not like unanswered questions.  I am not in charge, I know.  The Lord loves me, I know.  He has a plan for Eden and our family, I know.  Right now though, this knowledge does not ease the pain, the grief or the hurt.  Grief is ugly, downright hideous and so are the feeling that accompany it.  Even in my darkest hour, I would do it all over again if it meant having Eden as my daughter, as a member of our family. 

The Dash

copyright 1996 Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning...to the end. He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears, but he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years. For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth... and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth. For it matters not, how much we own; the cars....the house...the cash. What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard... are there things you'd like to change? For you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged. If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real, and always try to understand the way other people feel. And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we've never loved before. If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile... remembering that this special dash might only last a little while. So, when your eulogy is being read with your life's actions to rehash... would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash?

Eden is a very real dash in our family, no matter how small and short it was.  How thankful I am for that dash and what it means to me.  As her special day approaches, I will be sad, I will cry and I will mourn.  But, I will also rejoice in knowing that my Heavenly Father entrusted me with a special baby whose dash has changed me forever.