Facing My Fear

Well, tomorrow is finally here.  The day that most pregnant women look so forward to so they can find out if it's a boy or a girl.  However, for me it's a very scary day because my mind tells me that the possibilities are endless and sometimes I find myself thinking, "What will be wrong this time?"  That is such a horrible way to think, I know, but I believe that past experience plays a major role in how we view upcoming events.  I have been so looking forward to this day, but very nervous at the same time.  I do have to thank my Heavenly Father though because he knows of my fears and anxiety and He allowed me to have a very special, spiritual experience on Friday that was just what I needed to ease my heart and mind.  I ask now that you all might offer up a little pray for this baby that if it is the Lord's will all will be well and healthy.  Thank you all for following our family and for your thoughts, prayers and love.

Uncle Neil

I never knew my uncle Neil personally, but today I am thankful for him.

Neil George Reuter is my father's oldest and only brother and the first born in their family.  Neil was a helicopter pilot in Vietnam and was shot down and killed while performing a rescue mission.  My nana always talked about Neil and how she missed him and felt a little void without him and I never understood until now.  Nana never missed a week of visiting Neil's grave to trim the grass or place new flowers or a crisp new flag.  When we wold visit my grandparents in Wisconsin, one of my favorite things to do was go with nana to "see" Neil and hear her stories.

Today, more than ever Neil holds a special place in my heart because Neil died on July 5th, the exact day that Eden passed as well.  Coincidence, I don't know? But I thank you Neil, for I am sure that you, along with many others were there to welcome Eden home on her angel day to help her feel the love that I hope she felt from us here on earth.

Thank you Neil and so many others who very valiantly fight and defend the freedoms of our great country!

Take Two

Why is this so very hard for me?

I am referring to choosing/designing Eden's grave marker.  Marcus and I have been very slow in getting this done because it has been so very difficult for the both of us.  Every time we go in to "make decisions" we just become too emotional to do anything and end up leaving a mess.  I think it's the finality of doing this that upsets me, knowing that this is the final step.  On the flip side though, it makes me sad to think that no one knows who is laying under the flowers stabbed in the ground at her site.  I hate that I have to do this, but it's a reality and she deserves a proper memorial.

We are very blessed to have Eden buried in a beautiful, private cemetery near a fountain in lovely surroundings.  However, with this comes very stringent regulations as to what and how we can design her marker.  I am more than happy to abide by the standards, but I want something fabulous for my princess.  The first time we met with them I felt as if they were so scripted and not willing to think outside the box.  That will not happen again!  Yesterday we met with another company to get some fresh ideas and now I am ready to make a masterpiece.  What do I want you ask?  I want a vase of course so we can load it up with flowers of the season.  I also want her picture lasered on the bronze along with a foot and hand print.  I want her names, her dates and a short saying from Marcus and I.  I look at it as a blank palate which we can make superb and that is what I intend to do.  As visitors peruse the cemetery I want them to see Eden's maker and feel instantly her sweet spirit by seeing her photo.  I feel like it's the least we can do for her.  Now obviously we have a budget and although it's modest, I think I can be creative.  I fought through so many issues regarding Eden and I can do it again to make it just right.

I love my Eden and I miss her badly lately.  Maybe it's because her "angel day" is approaching and I remember so distinctly just how sick she was last year at this time.  What a blessing she is to our family to know that she is our child FOREVER.  I thank my Father in Heaven every day for that knowledge.

Happy Mother's Day

Well babe, another Mother's Day and a lot has transpired, but you've made it through.  It's funny, during all the stress and adversity I always knew you would.  You are that constant rock that so many hold on to for stability and direction.  Others may seem to have all the good luck, but they are just looking at you and wondering how come you always maintain your grace and keep your strength... and this is more valuable to them than all the "breaks."

All too often people judge others based upon their actions and not their intentions, meanwhile they expect to be judged by intentions and not actions.  You are the example of looking inward not outward.  You have an ability to care, love and accept people for who they really are and want to be.  What a precious gift while raising our children, what a life saving trait for me.

Nearly 6 years ago, can you imagine that?  Nearly 9 years ago starting out.  How life has changed, thrown adversity our way, but we have prevailed because of you.  Families survive because of mothers.  I know ours has because of you.  K2, we love you... I love you and am grateful for you.  I am sorry for our challenges, they stink at times, but I can't imagine getting through them without you.  I know whatever comes our way, we will survive because you never give up on yourself, your children or me.  

All my love... your marcus.

How Could It Be?

Has it really been 10 whole months since Eden passed away?  It has been the fastest, slowest 10 months of my life that are a vibrantly clear blur to me!  July is coming quickly and as each day passes my emotions become a little more nostalgic and tender.  Yes, 10 months later I still pinch myself at times and say "I AM one of those people who have had the unthinkable happen to them. Every mother's worst fear came true for me."  However, so much healing and growth has happened this past 10 months and although we still have challenges, our family has been extremely blessed.  Funny as it may sound, I miss walking into her hospital room every day to see her sweet face and feel her tender spirit.  There was no doubt that heaven was close in that tiny room.  I miss stroking and kissing her little feet and hands and whispering in her ear.  I miss her smell, even though it was almost sterile, and I miss her darling button nose.  I miss the sounds of the monitors keeping her alive because in an odd way it was a comfort to know that she was indeed still alive.  I miss the soft primary children's songs I would play over and over again and sing to all day long.  Never before and not since have I felt so close to the spirit of the Lord on a regular basis than I did while she was alive.  There was a very real almost palpable comfort that swaddled me like a child.  A feeling I took for granted at the time, but now very much wish would return.  Will I forget the smells, sights and sounds, maybe.  But will I forget my Eden, never!  Obviously, we did not want it to end with death, who does, but still not a day goes by that I do not thank my Heavenly Father for sending me a most precious gift and for blessing our family forever with our own personal angel. 

Below are a few pictures taken exactly one year ago.

We did not know it at the time, but this is the last family photo we have of  Eden alive.

Boy were they proud of the sister and they still talk about her every day.  I LOVE that!

They were always so concerned with everything going on with Eden.  Very protective.

These were the only real moments they had to bond with her and "examine" her as most siblings do to their babies.

Gotta Love Him

I just might have the best husband on the planet (for me at least)!!!

Marcus came home early from work to day and surprised me with a new pair of very awesome running shoes.  If you know me, you know that I LOVE shoes, but especially running/tennis shoes.  It's just my thing - to have "snazzy" workout shoes.  He walked in and said to me, "Keis, when we have problems, you can't run from them, but you can run through them!"

Take a look at these beauties!

Thanks babe, I love you.

Not the Results I Wanted

Well, today was the first of many tests with this pregnancy.  The fact that I have had a child with "issues" combined with my "advanced maternal age" (34), I am now labeled high risk.  With that comes a series of tests, which I was sort of looking forward to because with each test coming back normal I could breath a sigh of relief.  Today I elected to do a test called a First Trimester Screening.  This test will give your risk for carrying a child with Down syndrome, Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18 with over 90% accuracy.  It includes blood work along with an ultrasound.  I remember this test very well with Eden as this is the test that gave us our 1 in 38 risk of her having Down syndrome.  I remember how I sobbed after receiving the phone call from my OB.  I was worried, paranoid, angry and confused.  Don't get me wrong, I would NEVER change a thing about Eden or how many chromosomes she had, but that is not to say that it was easy for me to comes to terms with or that I want to do it all over again.  Personally I don't think any mother would, we all want happy, healthy, perfect, normal children for that is what the majority of women have.  The doctor came in today after the test with the phrase I didn't want to hear "We have good and bad news!"  The good news is that the baby's risk for have Trisomy 13 or 18 is so low it's almost non-existent.  This is great since these two defects are not compatible with life.  However, my risk for this baby having Down syndrome is 1 in 284, which is considered "increased risk."  You might be thinking that is a great number and you are right I probably have nothing to worry about.  BUT, I did not want to be in the high risk group at all.  I just wanted to avoid it altogether.  Oh well, this is how the cards play out for me and my anything but routine pregnancies.  We will continue with more tests, ultrasounds and fetal echocardiograms as the baby grows and pray for the best.  I do have faith that the Lord has a plan for our family and I also have hope that everything will be just perfect.  I guess if I did not I wouldn't have done it again.  Right now I am just thankful that I have yet another photo of the growing life inside me, it truly is a miracle to see how intricate a baby is at only 12 weeks. Heavenly Father does some amazing work!