People ask me now and again how I am doing.
Well, today I have not cried yet so it is a good day. Naturally, some days are better than others, but overall this has been so difficult for me lately. It seems at times that I miss her more now and it gets harder, rather than missing her less and having it get easier. It is the most difficult sometimes for me to look at the photos of her we have around the house and her bedroom that is still home to all of her "things." Some people have said that maybe I need to take down the pictures or clean her room out, but I am not ready for that yet. She will always be a part of our family and I am just as proud of her as I am of Ainsley and Emerson so I want her pictures to be displayed along with the other girls. Maybe it makes it harder, but I can't remove all evidence of her life from our home. Also, I think that since she never lived in her home, I like having her pictures around as if she had been here. Don't get me wrong, my family and I are doing as well as we can, it is just a long journey to healing.
Marcus and I talk at nights that we feel so loved, but at the same time we feel so very isolated, alone and misunderstood. We have now become "those people" and no one wants the burden and heartache of carrying that title.
I believe that Eden knew I was having a difficult times this past week because I had a most wonderful experience yesterday. I will not go into much detail because it is a very special and personal experience for me, but it lifted my spirits greatly. I was enjoying some peaceful moments to myself in a very quiet, reverent place when I had the distinct feeling that Eden was right next to me. I did not see anyone there, but I knew that she was close to me because the feeling was exactly the same as the one I would get every time I was with her. I sat back, took a couple of very deep breathes and just basked in the moment. It did not last long, but it was so wonderful. Yesterday I shed tears, but they were tears of joy and gratitude for that "tender mercy."
My little Ainsley never ceases to amaze me. All of the children in our church ages 3-11 years attend primary on Sunday where they sing songs and have lessons on Christ. Each year they perform a "primary program" for all of the parents and adults in the congregation. As Ainsley is three now, this was her first year in the program. Each child is given a short speaking part and this was Ainsley's "All human beings, male and female are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents and as such, each has a divine nature and destiny." That is a mouth full for a 3 year old. She had it memorized and although I worried about her being too nervous to say it, she did a fabulous job today. She spoke so clearly and said it perfectly, and she looked so cute to boot. I love you Ainsley! Her primary teacher also told me about an experience she had. A couple of Sunday's ago during their primary class the children were sitting in their chairs in a semi-circle and the chair next to Ainsley happened to be empty. The teacher mentioned to the kids that someone could sit there as it was empty, to which Ainsley quickly shouted to her "No, that chair is not empty, Eden is sitting there and no one else can sit in that chair because she is!" It took her teacher by such surprise that she said she fought back the tears and just said "okay" and continued on. I do not doubt it could happen seeing the faith of our sweet little children. Marcus and I both feel that each of our girls have had experiences with Eden, which are helping them to cope so well.
We thank you all for continuing to think of and pray for us. This is a long, sometimes difficult journey and we need your support. Thank you and we love you.
12 comments:
I love those amazing, precious, quiet, and yes, very sacred moments when Heaven is so very near. They are such beautiful reminders that no matter how hard it gets or how much we mess up, Heavenly Father still loves us more than we can ever imagine and that love is very real and very deeply personal. I had one of those sweet, sweet moments (probalby in similar place, too) this week as well and I am so grateful for it.
I have no doubt either that the chair was full. What a precious experience for your daughter to have and to be able to share. Thanks for sharing it with us in blogger land.
I know very well what you mean about being one of "those people." We are now some of "those people" too. It is hard, and it is lonely, and many people just don't get that grief has a time table all it's own and everyone has to work through it in their own way and in their own time. If you're not ready to take her room down yet, then don't. You'll know when you're ready for that kind of a step. I'm not sure I'd ever take down the pictures, myself. She is very much a part of you and your family and she is still your daughter.
Blessings to you and your family!
Wow, your children are amazing.
I'm glad you had a peaceful day.
I totally agree with Diana...you are right in keeping the pictures of Eden in your home, the same as your other daughters, she is a part of your family now and forever.
As I could never dream of the heartache of losing a child, I want you to know that I do not look at you any differently then I did before...if anything I see a strength in the both of you...I am amazed at how strong the both of you are, and how obvious it is that you are close, and drawing to each other. Grief is something so individual, that each person deals with in their own way and each day is different. I watched Sean go through it last year when his mom passed so suddenly....it took months and months and each day he went through a different emotion. It's also amazing to know that our Heavenly Father knows us and blesses us with small gifts that help us make it through the hard times.
Ainsley did great today! I was sitting behind you guys and it was so cute to see you and Marcus mouthing the words with her! My favorite part was the opening song when they all came in from the back singing!
Those are very special things. Thanks for sharing them... Your girls are adorable, and so smart!
Your words and your soul are beautiful! Oh, the pain is unbearable at times but my baby girl, too, has "shown" herself to me in my most desperate times. You know without doubt that they are there! What peace and what quietness they hold...knowing no words are even needed.
I had a friend tell me at Annabelle's visitation that she was sorry that I had to join her in "this club". Her precious daugther became an angel at 6 years old a few years ago. I just wept over those words...never a club I had ever considered and definitely not one that is advertised. But, your baby girl is still so close to your heart and will always be and you have to share it with someone...praise God for blessing us both with amazing husbands! Thank you, too, for sharing it with me...I have found that the longing never lessens but changes a little and can change right back to the day she left my side in a moment.
Love to you~ Rebecca
I have not lost a child, and can only imagine how difficult it is. I don't believe you have to clear everything away that was Edens. She was a part of your family, and when the time is right you will know when it is time to take down her room. Maybe getting involved in a charity such as CHD in your area would give some purpose or meaning to Edens life. Heavenly Father loves you guys.
I love the story of Ainsley in primary... how sweet! I can't imagine what you have Marcus have gone through but I think you are handling it beautifully. I would display pictures of that sweet angel ALL over my house! Your three girls are lucky to have a momma like you!
Andrea
Keisa,
May the peace and the love of our Lord, Jesus, be with you now and always. Grief is individual with its own timetable and I learned to turn a blind eye to those who whispered and stared and took pity on me after Marc died. Perhaps they did not know how to react. Perhaps I did not want to let them in. Whatever the case, others need to give you space to grieve and the support and love when you need it. You remain in our thoughts and prayers. Love, Alex
I thought of you on Saturday as we were in Utah for Joey's oldest child's baptism. The opening song was YOUR Rainbow song and, of course, I lost it, thinking of your beautiful Eden. I loved to sing it at her beautiful funeral. She will not be forgotten, Keisa, and please know that our prayers continue for your family's peace and happiness after this trial. We love you. That isn't much of an offering at this point, but we hope you can feel our love and support.....The Emigs
You guys are awesome. I love the moments I have to be close to my precious angels. I was thinking right before I read how you just took a deep breath in that I love breathing in the Celestial air. I have no doubt that Eden was with her. It gave me chills when I read that and my spirit was touched. I am sorry you feel alone. We two have become "those people" and I really hate and love it,all at once. I too feel so isolated, so alone. Losing my children has changed me and very few(thank-heavens) ever have to experience that change. So they do not understand why I get frustrated when they are petty or un-sympathetic. It makes us a more sensitive soul. Also, you take down whatever you want, whenever you want. No one else knows when it is time. There may never be a time. But pictures are great.They help you to believable and remember the unbelievable experience of Eden.
Heart Hugs,
Emily
Well - lets just say that we are happy that we have gotten a chance to get to know you guys better lately. It seems as though things have been slowing down for everyone recently and we can spend more time on friendships. It can only get better from here right?!
Keisa,
Just today Emily (who is 6) came up to me and with a very pouty face declared, "I want my sister back." It was as if she thought I could decide that it was okay now and we could go in the car and get her.
I can, however, tell you that my experience was that I thought of Julianne every single day for about 2 years. During that time, other people were "done" talking about her, her death, my grief. . . but I wasn't. It was very hard. Sometimes with perfect strangers I would work Julianne into the conversation, just to talk about her.
Its not like that anymore. Its been 9 1/2 years. I don't feel the need to talk about her to anyone. I have kept certain keepsakes in my "Julianne box." It took me years, but I finally threw away the pink roses from her casket piece that I had dried. They really were awful looking after so much time. I can think about her and talk about her and I don't cry anymore. I just feel at peace with it.
You know the expression, "Time heals all wounds"? Someone gave me a small crystal clock right after Julianne died with that inscription on the back. It made me so mad! I thought that there was no way that time would make my heart ache less. In a way though, the stupid expression is sort of right. Time does help you "heal" from the immediate grief, though it will always remain with you somehow - its called love. And though your wound may heal, that scar will always be there - the hurt, the pain, the grief, the event. It is just a matter of whether you let that scar hurt or not.
After reading your blog for so many months, I can tell that you had an experience that is life altering - for the better. Your faith got you through it and your faith will help you heal. It is hard to see it know, but someday you WILL be able to look back at what you went through and see how much better a person you are for having Eden in your life. But that time is not right now. Now you need to do exactly as you are doing. Grieve, cry, have happy days, have sad days, look at her pictures, enjoy her things, remember her. It only shows how much you loved Eden. And in the meantime, let Ainsley fill your chairs (instead of cups!).
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