I guess that is how I feel from moment to moment.
There are really wonderful times in my day when I feel the Lord's love more than ever, and then there are times when it is so difficult and I just want to curl up and cry (which I normally do.) It is sometimes tough for me to see other mommies with their little babies and not get emotional. There are times when I don't really want to talk to anyone and I don't want anyone to know, but there are other times when I would tell my story to the grocery clerk if they would listen. I also have moments when I want to carry a sign that says something like "I really have three beautiful little girls, one just returned early to Heavenly Father," or "I really am the mother of three and we are a family of five!" Normal feelings I hope. I see other mommies get so frustrated and frazzled when their baby cries and my thought is, "what I wouldn't have given to hear my Eden cry, just once." I don't know if I ever mentioned this, but we NEVER heard our little angel cry, not even her first three days with us when she seemed so healthy. She was a total angel then and just ate and slept.
I realize now just how the Lord blessed me with her birth. Most infants with as serious of a heart defect as Eden had would have been rushed away right after birth, but not Eden. Since we did not know yet just how grave her condition was, she was able to stay with me in my room for three whole days. As I recovered from my cesarian section, she slept next to me. I had the wonderful blessing of being able to breast feed her for three days, change her bum, hold her close and kiss her tons. I hold that time very sacred now and will forever cherish that tender mercy from the Lord.
The continued outpouring of love and support amazes and strengthens me. I am so thankful that so many of you are still willing to listen, talk and help when needed as I do not feel at all ready to brave this alone. Thank you for the sweet cards, memoirs, flowers, notes, chats, dinners, and just plain love. Amid my pain and sorrow, I feel so thankful for each of you and I know that I am blessed.
I will post some wonderful photos of Eden's services soon. I am having trouble getting them uploaded right now.
On another note, I want to thank my wonderful husband and best friend for 5 fabulous years of marriage. I failed to mention that we celebrated our five year anniversary on Friday the 11th. Boy have we had some wild rides, but I would not change anything and I can do anything with you by my side. Thank you Marcus. I love you!
7 comments:
Oh Keisa, my heart just aches for you. I have no way to imagine how hard it must be. You have such a beautiful family. It is truly such a priviledge to have had such a personal glimpse into your lives. Your testimonies on this blog are so amazing. Eden's service was beautiful. I had heard you were going to do a balloon release at the graveside and thought it was neat. But, when I read on your blog why you decided to do it, what your purpose was, I thought that was just beautiful and wonderful and very fitting. I continue to pray for and think about your family.
Love,
Tammy Evans
Keisa, my heart to reaches out to you. Just know that Heavenly Father loves you and that Eden is with him right now. She is your guardian angel. I do know that these feelings are totally normal and it is ok to feel them. It wasn't until a year after Romans surgery that I actually allowed myself to cry. I guess I thought I need to keep it together for everyone else. Thank you for reminding us to cherish the simple things like a cry. Love, Romans mom
I wish I could crawl through my computer and internet lines and give you a big, friendly hug. My heart aches for your family...but I also know that Heavenly Father is holding you up and giving you strength to weather the storm.
Though I've never had to physically bury a child that I had held and rocked and kissed, in our own way, we've "buried" a cemetary full of "dead babies" - either through miscarriages or failed adoptions. Though our paths have been different and I recognize that I don't fully comprehend the magnitude of what you are going through, I assure you that what you described feeling is a very normal (all be it frustrating and painful) part of the grieving process. But, you're already one step ahead of where I was. I didn't recognize it as "normal" myself until several months later when I attended a seminar on grief. Prior to this I had felt like I was going completely insane! It was such a relief to me to know I wasn't. Having already recognized the "nomrality" of what your'e feeing will, believe it or not, make the healing process easier down the road. I didn't say it makes the hurt go away or makes it the road any less bumpy or comfortable to travel, but it does help keep things in perspective and can serve as a healing balm.
Thank you for sharing your heart and for talking so openly about your faith and your experience. Your testimonies are amazing. May God continue to bless you - I know he will.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!! I can't wait to see more beuatiful pics from the services. I pray for your comfort and strength during this time.
Thinking of you always!!
Andrea
First of all, happy anniversary! And those feelings you described about wanting everyone to see you as a family of 5 are so normal. I still don't like it when people ask me how many children we have -- after all these years, we're still trying to figure out a good answer for that without explaining our life story. It hurts my heart if I don't count her in, but in a way it's like casting my pearls to swine. (no, you all are not swine)...she's just my pearl that I hold very special. Your family will heal, but it takes time -- and lots of it, not to mention LOTS of faith. Our family is always there for you if you need a listening ear.
Oh Keisa, I know not your pain of lossing someone so dear and precious to my heart but I do understand trying to rejoyice in a happy celabration of your anniversary but having so much weigh on your heart. My Lily was undergoing her second OHS on the day of our 5 year anniversary, that was a day of mixed emotions, my husband and I wanted to celabrate our marriage but we could not due to our heavy hearts. I am so terribly sorry I was not able to make it to Edens service, do know I wish I could have been there. You are a strong woman, and the good Lord, our heavenly father will see you through this. Your emotions you are feeling are those of a greiving mother and you should never let it weigh on your mind if it is normal or not. Seeing we were all created different, we are allowed to greive different. There is no RIGHT or WRONG way. You all are continuosly in our prayers. Sending you our many hugs!
The McLaughlins
I love reading your thoughts and feelings. It makes me want to be a better wife and Mom. Though I know I am wonderful at both but we can always strive to do better, Right?
Keisa, I say this a lot, but we love you and I think of you often.
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