Letting Go

Dad here - 

Thursday we received a call from Dr. Pearl that he wanted Keisa and I to conference with him at the hospital, a phone call we were hoping wouldn't come.  The last few days for Eden hadn't been the best and she just wasn't getting better, so it was now time to make some decisions. When we arrived at the hospital and Eden looked horrible.  She is retaining so much fluid that it is seeping out her nose, eyes and she is "bubbly" out of her mouth.  Her skin is so tight now that she is oozing drops of fluid from her old needle marks.  As we spoke with Dr. Pearl he made it very clear that we have reached a point of few options.   She is now in kidney failure and is becoming quite toxic so they have her on a peritoneal dialysis.  This is where they fill her abdomen full of fluid and then let it drain in hopes of "pulling" more fluid out than they put in. In addition to this they are trying one last medicine (norepinephrine), a very powerful drug, to see if they can get her to recover.  

Dr. Pearl also started to map out a plan to assist Eden's passing, a conversation that I had hoped would never come.  We spoke about letting all the medicines except those for pain naturally run out and then removing the ventilator as the last option.  We were told that doctors do not have these types of conversation unless they feel the end is near and there is nothing more that can be done.  Needless to say, we left the hospital Thursday emotionally exhausted and faced with many difficult decisions.  

Keisa and I spoke thru the night about our blessings and Heavenly Father's plan.  We contemplated the questions we have been asking about letting her go.  We cried and held each other and I thought to myself how blessed I am to have this woman in my life, what a strength she has been to me in my life and how she is the fulcrum of our lives.

Prayer is communicating with Father in Heaven and it is real, I know this.  This being said, I think asking the right questions of Heavenly Father is essential as is listening to the answer and acting upon it.  I've been wondering for a while if I've been asking questions for something I already have the answer for.  Maybe the question isn't, "should we let Eden go?" but rather, "when ?"  

Friday morning we went back to the hospital to spend time with Eden.  She has had slight improvement, but nothing significant and more a result of the short time affect of the norepinephrine.  The mood has changed in the room.  The nurses and doctors have been so great but all realize we are nearing the end.  Despite this there is a peace and a special spirit in the room that is difficult to explain.  As hard as it is, I know Eden has put up a valiant fight and she is a choice spirit from Father in Heaven.  

Keisa and I believe strongly that having children is a partnership with our Heavenly Father. When we have children we become co-creators with the Father:  He created the spirit and we the physical body.  In doing this, we engage in one of the most sacred and spiritual responsibilities we will ever be involved with in our mortal lives.  Understanding this special relationship with Heavenly Father, how much more sacred and spiritual is working in unison with the Creator of our souls in allowing a choice spirit of Father in Heaven to return and live with Him?  

I don't know if I have the strength to let her go, but we know that we must do the will of the Father.  I thought about it more today than ever before, is there a difference between merely doing the will and carrying out my Father's will?  Keisa and I both believe we are not yet like Job, nor Joseph, but the burden the last 24 hours has been great.  We ask for your continued prayers as we prepare to say goodbye to our Eden girl.  We are hopeful things will turn around, but we both feel it probably will not happen, so we ask for your love and support down this painful road.  

We know there is a special plan to our lives.  Each of us lived with God before this life, each of us will return to live with him after this life and families can be together forever.  This life is merely a probationary state, a time to prepare to meet God, to better ourselves and try our best to love others.  Eden has accomplished so much in her little life and we know that she has a "free ticket" back to live with Heavenly Father and we will have to do all we can to be our best so we can see her again.  

We will keep you posted over the next few days and feel your prayers of strength and love.  We thank you all so much for all you have done.